Shows: American Idol, ANTM, The Surreal Life, The Real World, Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, The OC, Cheerleader Nation, etc. Specials: Who’s Bowling Right Now?; Random Questions; Stink Pinks; Baby Jessica Updates

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday April 4, 2006

Taylor: Did Taylor even perform? And I used to take quite a liking to that old dumb “mountain mama” song, oh well.

Mandisa: She look BIIIIIGGGG tonight. That's all I can remember.

Elliot: Is it possible that this Neanderthal will WIN American idol? I love him!

Paris: Hmm, it may just be me but I don't remember Rudy Huxtable ever sporting a pirate frock, not even when she climbed into that refrigerator and almost died. Oh, wait, that was Cherry on Punky Brewster. Regardless, Paris the Swashbuckler reined free tonight and I’m wishing someone would stuff her in a refrigerator. Back to the basics though: pirate costume? Leanne Rimes song? I don’t see the connection. Also, can someone flash her a cue card that the word is “live” and not “leave.” “How do I live without you…” A baby retard was also sneaking into her voice again – every time she sings even a tiny bit in that low range, I hear that little punk.

Ace: Kenny Rogers was HITTING on Ace, you know he was. Did a poodle die on Ace's head? Oh no, oh no, I’m liking Ace right now – he sounds okay. Wait a second, there it is, the falsetto… and we’re back. I hate this fuck. If your signature (Paula, it isn’t that hard to pronounce) is your falsetto, then why don’t you just become a woman? Trannies are very "in" right now. Ace’s signature (God, Paula, it really is easy) falsetto is like if Katharine “Nanny” McPhee’s signature was when her dick came out and sang the refrain for each song. Just be a woman Ace! Also, FOX, can you please stop showing Ace’s sickly looking older brother – the man clearly has full-blown AIDS.

Kelly: Where did she get those titters? I ain't never seen dem before. Fancy.

Chris: First off, thanks for finally getting some new facial hair that was normal....secondly, you were awesome.

Katharine: Does anyone remember that skit from SNL, "Tiny Elvis?” It was so stupid. I still don't get it. Do you? Does Katharine Mcphee?

Bucky: Correct me if I’m wrong but this is what I heard:

The snail went sailing way. In a warm embrace of the sky. Now I’m here to say, love can be so boring. Love is quite the same. I just say you're rained out. It’s not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. Don’t want me bad. You’re just the best I ever had. And it might take some time to patch up my velvet suit. I’m not finding to you were always right. [sit on the edge of the stage]. It’s not so bad. You’re only the best I ever had.

Even if your velvet suit needs patching up Bucky, I liked it.

Randy: Who poured red paint shit all over you? And when you're done judging, can you please go park my fucking car already?

Ryan: "For sure someone at the table has a flask, I know it.” Yes, Ryan, it’s Paula. Don’t be stupid.

This is a shout out to CHRIS ROCK... Hi Chris, don't think I didn't see you and your kid in the audience. NICE TRY. I saw you there. You old sell-out...

Whoopi, I'm not shocked to see you, you sold out years ago on a little show I like to call Sell-Out-Washed-Up-Far-From-Hollywood Squares.


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