Shows: American Idol, ANTM, The Surreal Life, The Real World, Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, The OC, Cheerleader Nation, etc. Specials: Who’s Bowling Right Now?; Random Questions; Stink Pinks; Baby Jessica Updates

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 2nd 2006

First things first: Paula was sporting a new mop-top and Ryan was weirder than ever.


ROUND 1

Elliot: He said in his pre-performance clip that he couldn't be a hand model. Elliot, I hate to break it to you but you couldn't be a model... no need to put an adjective or descriptive noun in front of it. I still loved his performance though. I mean, that old gay Broadway song is pretty atrocious but I like Elliot so much it doesn't matter.

Paris: Eeew, she stunk. And then when Simon called her not only screechy but also annoying, she said, in her dumb baby voice, "I thank him." What? Why don't you just thank old JC, gain an elephant's body mass and call yourself Mandisa? Idiot Rudy.

Chris: He kept talking nonsense in his pre-performance clip. He said he was always a performer, always dressing up as a kid. Um, Chris, I hate to break it to you but come the 31st day of October, kids dress up - it is a national past time called Halloween. I could go into more details about this perennial event but I shouldn't have to. Fuck it, I might as well. On old Hallow's eve, the night goblins and demons get together and wreak...

Oh yeah, and Chris, you were dressed up like a vampire, not a superhero like you said. Again... Halloween... Give it a try, at least for your kids' sake.

Katharine: Dressed in bondage, Daddy McPhee must have liked that. Also, Ryan started telling everyone that Nanny had a wardrobe malfunction (btw - are people ever going to stop using that phrase as if it is cool and hip?) and then said something like, "People definitely went back on their systems to look at that." By "systems," do you mean TiVos or DVRs, Grandpa? Why don't you check that old canoodle of yours for a "cranial malfunction" you loser.

Taylor: All he did was bop around doing that chicken-leg-flap thing that John Travolta did when he walks down the bleachers in"Summer Nights" - check your systems, kids, if you don't know exactly what I'm talking about. I think it is when that dude (not Kenicky but the fat one) sings, "did you get very far?" Anyway, he kept doing that move and making me sick. And then there were those huge blue contraptions on his feet (I suppose you could call them shoes). Dear lord. I hate this kid. That laying on the ground bit at the end was too dumb for words.

ROUND 2

Elliot: Really, don't sing a song called "I wanna go home" because you've made it far too easy for America to makes this irony a reality (I kept that comment in because I wrote it BEFORE Simon said it, be assured). Simon and I are often on the same wavelength but my little gem was first. When Elliot finished his song, there was a bit of sprinting and laughing which I still don't get. Then somehow Paula got the joke nine minutes later and made a fool out of herself by laughing like a maniac. Then to top it off, she said something like "it made me melt" about Elliot's performance. Very interesting
the euphemisms some women will come up with for "female ejaculation."

BTW - I love how Elliot keeps ruining all of the Idol productions secrets ("I knew I was supposed to come over here at some point"). You mean, Idol is staged and things don't happen as magically as we think?

Paris: Stunk it up even worse than before. I think Rudy rapped once with her quick-mouthed friend Bud on The Cosby Show. The last note showed Paris sporting a bad case of sphincter-mouth. Not very attractive in my opinion. Sick. I hate this female eunuch.

Chris: Simon's "whoopee" comment after Paula's insight was hilarious. Then Chris tried to run like Elliot had but the humor was lost, as was his masculinity - the guy runs like a fairy princess.
As for his performance, I'm getting a little bored of him.

Katharine: Why was she humping the floor with her butt? I liked her basically throwing herself at those banjo guys. Box drums my ass, I saw and heard banjos. I do think Nanny went a little crazy here but her little sassy half-pint maneuvers worked. Brava, I loved it.

Taylor: A Beatles song, really? Not bad but also not fair. And more importantly, TAYLOR SAID FUCK! Everyone, git gathered round yer ole systems and list'n:


Ryan Seacrest: How did you feel?

Taylor Hicks: You know, I love the Beatles. Just to be able to sing a Beatles song right now... it thrills me. They were a great, great band... just fucking great.


I'm not even kidding, I watched it like 9 times on my system to be certain.
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RYAN'S NICKNAMES: "Princess P" for Paris and "Yasmin the Machine." If we are just making up nicknames as we go along, Ryan, why don't you try Nancy Boy on for size?


AUDIENCE SITINGS: It was spartan in the land of terrible "celebrities" this week and all we got was former contestant Anthony Federov, the sick- fuck Ukranian known best for his ill-upbringing and trache scar.

And then there was Ace Young, coming out of retirement... you would think that a boy who misses the mountain so much would go the fuck back to them and stop showing his ugly mug.

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