Shows: American Idol, ANTM, The Surreal Life, The Real World, Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, The OC, Cheerleader Nation, etc. Specials: Who’s Bowling Right Now?; Random Questions; Stink Pinks; Baby Jessica Updates

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


First of all, I LOVE Cat Deely. She is just the right amount of sassy, British-Aussie, feisty, nice, British-Aussie, and giraffe. Her wardrobe is god-awful and somehow that makes me love her more. I swear to god that that old Behemoth Xena-look-a-like host is standing right behind Cat Deely on that balcony whenever the next pair is announced. Watch closely – you can see her big bod.

Second of all, let me remind you that I have no knowledge of dance, nor do I care. What I do have knowledge of is what looks stupid, dumb, retarded, lifeless, wrong, home-like, etc. I don’t want you idiots commenting things like, “that paso doble was technically correct." I will say a giant “fuck you” right here and now so just think about me saying that to you before you do that.

A: What is the difference between

Paula Abdul and Mary Murphy?

There is so much to say but since this post is so late, I’ll cut to the chase...

Benji and Donyelle (HIP HOP): Wonderful, a dream come true. I don’t appreciate the fact that Benji is a bible-thumper but what are you going to do? Pick your battles and with that logic, I pick Ashlee (oh yes, Ashlee, I will get to your stupid pantsuited-bowler-topped self in a bit). How does Benji dance like that? I can’t get over it. God love him. Or at least, God continue to bless him with Thy gifts. Donyelle is also cute. However, did Nigel really have to ask Benji about his ex-girlfriend? The one who more or less left him at the altar. Low blow, Nig, low. Benji and Donyelle were the first recipients of Nigel’s racisim. Nigel says to Donyelle (who is black) re: hip hop, “I mean, I expected that from you Donyelle [because you are black] but [white]Benji…” Now this comment would have been fairly innocuous if Nigel didn’t continue saying shit like that for the rest of the show.

Ivan and Alison (SALSA): I think Ivan is cute. I mean, he was terrible but looked lovely in the little beret and slacks. Goddamn, this Alison is amazing. I love her fat chunk of a face and weirdly tiny baby amazing body.

Jason and Aleksandra (CONTEMPORARY): Oh my god, their weird ugly-ass smiles during the entirety of this performance were vomit-inducing, especially Aleksandra who looked like a fucking idiot. There was one move where she did a jump that took the skill of a village idiot. Also, then I love the part when she gets down on the floor close to the front of the stage and does a scrubbing move while painfully smiling through her weirdly disjointed upper and lower jaw. I thought Jason (speaking of terrible teeth) was awesome bopping up and down with his out-stretched paws. The weirdest part of the whole dance was the fact that the judges thought that Aleksandra was at all good. She stunk it up to high heaven. It was a smell-fest thanks to her, let’s be real judges. THEN, Nigel again says something vaguely racist, something about Jason in Africa. I believe his exact words were “Long Live Africa! Wear your dashiki proud!” Ugh, what a pig.

B: Whose teeth are worse?

Jaymz and Jessica (70s DiSCO): Or as I like to call them, “Rhihorseros and Madonna 2.0.” I liked these two but I hate Jaymz. I hate how he spells his stupid pretentious name, I hate how his face looks – like a horse and a rhino if you didn’t get the allusion before, how is hair is and makes his face look even longer, and his general presence and speech. Jessica has the unfortunate ability to look pained and annoyed whenever she is on camera. AKA: America will hate her and vote her off. I quite liked their dance though even though disco is STUPID. I like how Donatella or whatever that choreographer’s name is said to them, “Ok, we’re going to pretend we’re at a night-club.” As if there is ANY other backstory when it comes to disco. You are a disco genius, Olde Goth. Yes, I’m going to call her Olde Goth from now on.

Stansilav and Erin (PASO DOBLE): I love Stanislav so much. And I think that my loyal fans know what is coming next. Yes, you guessed it, Erin is a PIGUMAN. This poor otherwise beautiful girl has one of the most authentic oinkers I’ve seen since stepping into a mud pit filled with pigs. This poor girl. Anyway, she’ll be revered for her pigginess quite soon. Back to the dancing: Erin was not that great and she did have that awkward slip (not to mention a terrible low-side-ponytail and hideoso dress). Stan was so fucking good though. God bless him.

Dmitry and Joy (HIP HOP): Poor Dmitry. He stunk it up bad but tried so fucking hard. Joy was trying a little too hard too and this is not even to mention that her face is a GIANT OWL’S FACE. Her and her best friend Erin got some animal issues and let me just say that in nature, pigs and owls do NOT get along. Anyway, Joy looked like a sickie with that shit (hair) coming out of her head. The best part was when they just stood there doing those hand movements ala Janet Jackson’s “If” video and and triumphantly smiled as if they had just cured cancer when in fact, they just did stupid arm movements which anyone could do. Ugh, they were awful. I did love the ending part where they like fell on top of each other. That was pretty cool.

Ryan and Heidi (WALTZ): Wow, Ryan was so psyched to have Heidi-Old-Woman-Face as his partner. What a dick. He was so rude and she was so adorable like trying to not let it bother her. I love her I’ve decided. If there is ever an 80-year-old-faced girl I want to win this competition, it is Heidi. Ok, now I need some help here. I was almost brought to tears by their performance. I thought it was so good. But then I start thinking, “I hate the waltz, it is stupid.” And then it hit me: I wasn’t in love with the dance but was swept away in gentle yet powerful Enya warbling. That fucking Enya gets me every time. Remember when it was on those coming attractions for Friends when Joey and Rachel were going to get together? I cried every time.

Ben and Ashlee (80s DISCO): Ok, this was obviously a giant pigfuck but I will say this. That woman dancing in the tapered pants and shirt-tie combo was gorgeous. I loved all her female moves but why was that large-faced woman dancing about her? Weird. Anyway, to sum up this shitstorm as succinctly as I can: poor Ben couldn’t do anything with old sack of beans so he had to resort to eating her out while he spun and tried to lift her. Eek. Terrible.

Travis and Martha (BROADWAY): Wow, these two are obsessed with themselves. I’m telling you, as much as I love Travis right now he is going to be the Blake of this season. He is getting way too cocky and his whole “cue shocked look” when the judges said they were the couple to beat was just annoying. I like that big-face Martha though. I didn’t really think the dance was that amazing but I guess it was fun to watch.

Musa and Natalie (MAMBO): Musa is awesome and I don’t care if he just stood around. He looked so good in those suspenders. God love him. Natalie was fine but I’m really annoyed with her laughing and stuff. You just know that when she was a small beautiful and gorgeous girl her parents said, “Natalie, you are breathtakingly gorgeous but no one likes an egomaniac so whenever someone tells you how beautiful you are just throw back your head and laugh. This will show that you are humble.” We get it Natalie, we know you think you are gorgeous so stop with the whole dog and pony show.

No audience sightings besides an adolescent midget and possibly self-professed boi-dyke Lea Delaria.


Answer Key:

A: Paula has two extra chromosomes while Mary only has one.

B: Nigel's


Anonymous tiff said...


1:05 PM, June 28, 2006


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