Shows: American Idol, ANTM, The Surreal Life, The Real World, Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, The OC, Cheerleader Nation, etc. Specials: Who’s Bowling Right Now?; Random Questions; Stink Pinks; Baby Jessica Updates

Thursday, August 10, 2006


I have to play catch up in a bad way so I’ll cut to the chase and start with some So You Think You Can Dance Top Ten Thoughts...

1) How was Allison kicked off before Donyelle, Heidi, and most of all Natalie? I continue to grieve and nothing anyone can say is going to make me feel better. I feel like how I did when a certain someone died on a certain one of my favorite shows… you know who I’m talking about. RIP Allison Holker. The competition stopped when you left. I miss you so much that I watched High School Musical just to see your shining face again. That movie is a fucking nightmare btw.

2) Mia Michaels went from slightly overweight has-been with a cute mop-top-elf-cut (see below) to raging bull-dyke boi in 2 seconds flat. Oh yes, she also became a fucking bitch. Like, what is the point of criticizing the people we love (aka: Benji) at this point in the game? To make America feel badly for loving these amazing, albeit insanely gay, dancers? Anyone remember the lovely Teena Branden/Branden Teena from “Boys Don’t Cry?” Welcome to Mia Michaels, Michael Mia.

From Elf to Elephant: The Mia Michaels/Michael Mia Story

3) I’m not sure if I loved Natalie or I hated her but what I am sure of is that she was undoubtedly a rare slice of human specimen. Allow me to explain. I think in life we all have friends who like try too hard to be friends with people and like overextend jokes (thereby ruining them) and generally act like sad sycophantic fools. We can all agree on this. However, these people tend to be, for lack of a tactful term, ugly and large mutants who try to overcompensate for their large bodies and foul looks with even bigger and fouler personalities. So, to break this down into syllogistic terms for all your logic-losers out there:

: Overdone and try-too-hard personalities are annoying
: People who are ugly and fat try to compensate
with overdone and try-too-hard personalities

:: People who are ugly and fat are annoying

So why is Natalie such a fucking annoying rat? I really want to go up to her and say, “Natalie, you are beautiful – just be an ice queen and everyone will love you – stop acting like the sad and underdeveloped girls who changed in the bathroom instead of the locker room during 7th period gym.” Its really quite condescending and I wish Natalie would stop. Although now she is gone so I guess it is a moot point… unless you are going to see the tour and if you do, please tell Natalie what I think of her and her stupidity.

4) Why is Heidi so damn cute and why do her and Benji have so much chemistry and like do that fake-out-make-out bullshit all the time? I mean, that is fucking sick: Benji is gay. That last observation was funny because you all were supposed to think that I was going to say “is her cousin.” But seriously I love Heidi and I want that old-faced wig-head to win.

Nice to meet you Mrs. Wig-Head

5) Speaking of wig-heads and Heidi, why did Heidi look like she was wearing a wig last week when it was really her own hair?

6) I know everyone thinks Travis is cute but I think he might be retarded, he is always like grabbing at his shirt and his stomach like a little retard kid you would meet on the playground and punch in the dirty teeth.

Hehe, I feel silly - teehee

7) Am I the only one who thinks Donyelle is a giant slag and moves like a goddamn slug? I sure hope not. Also, Donyelle, look more pissed off whenever you get compliments.

Fuck you and your kids, mother fucker

8) Speaking of Donyelle and “compliments,” I want to make one thing crystal clear: there is a difference between having a nice ghetto booty that is perky and god-fearing (Donyelle) and a huge, sick, cellulitic, white-flabby-sagged, LITERALLY obese FAT ASS? Michael, I’m talking to you. How dare you ask to be in a club with Donyelle when the differences between your asses are so obvious that even my previous statement fully describing the extent of your backside-variations is a mere footnote to the situation.

1 finger pushed forward and 1 by the face is the international dyke symbol for, "let me go down on you Mary Murphy." Mary obvi ain't having it. You should have stayed as an elf Mia.

9) Cat Deely is a fucking joy, I love everything about her

10) My final thought will be expressed as a short story-board of Mia Michaels/Michael Mia

Once upon a time there was a woman named Mia Michaels who looked sort of normal

Then she turned into Kathleen Turner in a blond dreaded wig for a little bit.

Then she got fat, ugly and gay...

ooops, wrong big fat gay lady

Finally, there were two porn stars named Michelle Michael and Mia Smiles in a weird Russian Porn Film called "Fetish Desires"



Blogger seavec said...

OK. That was funny. Mia Rosie Michaels. But it was funny because we're all obsessed with Mia Michaels/Michael Mia/Teena/Brandon/Hilary Swank/Hillary Clinton/Swanky

You have to admit, Mia is worth all the attention we lavish on her ...

10:18 PM, August 17, 2006


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