FlipKicks & NightBellows

TARA REID COMES CLEAN

2006-10-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

Finally, and in a desperate attempt for media coverage, Tara Reid has come CLEAN about her sick plastic surgery. I mean her saggy ass tits and flabby stomach have been well documented (See Exibits A and B) and finally, Reid has undergone reconstructive surgery and sold her soul ... I mean story ... to US Weekly.

EXIHBIT A

No wonder Carson Daly dumped her ass - he thought she was sickening ... Please enjoy this excerpt from her interview:

"Guys I was dating would be like, ‘What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.’ So embarrassing. I mean, you
definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”

EXHIBIT B (for boobie)

Wow, I just looked at that boob again - ew.

TORI SPELLING IS PREGGERS

2006-10-03T20:24:00.000-04:00

This hot little mess is PREGGERS - Finally!

Can you imagine what kind of a pig-looking baby this thing is going to pop out? It's going to be a sick - love it. Maybe this will finally mend the riff between Tori and old Candy. Actually, I'm hoping that she names the little runt, Aaron, and sends her mom off the fucking wall.

SCREECH LIKES ANAL

2006-09-28T15:37:00.001-04:00

Screech is DIRTY

It's official, TMZ broke the news yesterday: our favorite loser geek with a jewfro, Screech (aka Dustin Diamond) likes to do girls up the butt ... and wipe his dick on their faces. Yes, Screech LOVES doing the "Dirty Sanchez" - Queen of the sick sexual manuever royal family.

Usually I would salute such a fiasco. However, I feel betrayed by this. My heart really went out to Screechie and his sad sack wife who had the ectopic preganancy which then cost them an arm and a leg (not to mention a dead baby) and then forced Screech to be reduced to selling ugly T-shirts to save his house in Wisconsin. Now I see that Old Screechamadoo was really fucking biddies in the butt and giving them the ol'Dirty Sanchez... ON VIDEO NO LESS.

I guess I should be thankful he didn't "Best Western" them - now that is the WORST.

Not only this but I've just discovered (testified by the below picture) that Screech likes to give the ladies the old "Shocker" as well. So, kids, love him or hate him but one thing is for certain: Screech cannot keep his digits nor his penis out of BUTT.

Your anus is not safe from Screech.

RETURN OF "THE COREYS"

2006-09-26T12:01:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah... that's right, A&E, a relatively tame network (except for that Dog the Bounty Hunter crap) has ordered 8 episodes of a show featuring COREY FELDMAN and COREY HAIM .... AMAZING!

But I'm a bit disappointed this is not a straight up reality show - although these two are now "clean and sober" so watching them go to AA meetings would get old ... They'll be playing "fictionalized versions" of themselves, but real question here is will Corey Feldman still be gigantically fat? And if so, will he eat Corey Feldman?

"I'm Hungry"

DANCING WITH THE STARS PREVIEW

2006-08-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

The irrepressible Tom Bergeron will kick off the third season of "Dancing with the Stars" on September 12th - Amazing - Not only is that old retarded hag, SAMANTHA HARRIS, still on the show (can you believe it? after ALL her fuck ups last year) ... but they somehow resurrected DADDY WARBUCKS to appear. Just when you thought you've seen it all...

WHOA! I'm bald.

Hey, wait a second, that isn't DADDY WARBUCKS, it's JOEY (Joseph) Lawerence. WHAT THE FUCK - I have no idea why Joey would do this to himself, except that MAYBE and I pray that he is just going bald and shaved it all off, cause any other reason will not be accepted (nope, not even chemo - you know you were thinking it, just admit it). Oh and get this, he is calling himself "JOE" now. Why don't you and DEBORAH Gibson kill each other so I won't have to deal with this crap.

A host of other idiots join cue-ball-top to dance this fall, like Tucker Carlson (what? that is pathetic), Monique Coleman (who? I have no idea), Sara Evans (again, no clue), Willa Ford (female Drew Lachey), Vivica A. Fox (ew- she lost all my respect when she showed up naked with 50 Cent on MTV), Mario Lopez (this is just sad. I mean we expect this from SCREECH, but not from you), Shanna Moakler (most notably known for being a whore) and the only one who is going to actually be good, Harry Hamlin (the male Lisa Rinna and the younger George Hamilton all rolled into one.).

Thank goodness for Harry Hamlin and the entire Rinna-Hamlin clan. I expect to see all you Rinna-Hamlin kids on reality shows when you grow up. That or meth. Choose wisely.

BREAKING UP WITH SHANNEN DOHERTY

2006-08-16T09:37:00.000-04:00

I watched the preview of this pigfuck last night and was both horrified and delighted. Basically the premise is that a guy or girl solicits Shannen’s help in breaking up with their partner for the reason that they are scared to do it themselves. This last part is code for either “wants to be on tv” or “wants to meet Shannen Doherty” (and with good reason).

The most interesting thing about the show is not the cheaply produced segments with Ikea-laden sets but rather the lengths they go to set up the potential heartbroken person. Yes, that is right. Shannen doesn’t just meet up with these creatures at the nearest coffee shop, they actually SET THEM UP. They plot and they scheme and they put these people in stupid situations and then Shannen comes with her black hair and even blacker heart.

There were two couples featured in last night’s ep. The first was a woman either in her 20s or 50s, I couldn’t decide. She is dating an annoying idiot who proves to be a huge pig. For this couple, the woman “tricks” her boyfriend into going with her to, and please bear with me, an empty dining hall with a psychologist chef who is supposed to cook for and analyze their relationship. Confusing enough? Not enough for Shannen. The chef, who is a paid “actor”, also pretends not to speak English so he has to have a translator, another “actor.” Makes as much sense as LiLo taking gun lessons to go to Iraq. At this point, the boyfriend should have broken up with the lady for suggesting such a fucking dumbass idea. I also start wondering if I’m actually watching HiJinx for Kids on Nickelodeon and Susan Sarandon is going to come alive from her wax statue to scare kids and then the mothers will laugh and hug and kiss their ugly progeny in an uproar of idiocy.

"A lot of the torture's psychological." - RE: pranking her kids

The best part of this whole charade is that Shannen is sitting backstage watching a $59 dollar TV of all that is going on. She proceeds to mutter inaudible things under her breath – no doubt insults at the pig-head man. The only audible thing she says is “I can’t wait to break up with you.” She looks ravenous - its awesome.

The girlfriend suddenly feels sick and leaves the room. Out comes none other than the diva-bitch herself carrying dessert. She quickly sidles up to her prey. The boyfriend sort of recognizes her. Shannen introduces herself and he proceeds to hit on her, further inciting her thirst for man-blood. He says “You are sexier in person than on TV” – Shannen produces a small giggle but still wants to eat his testicles. Then she says, “I’m here to break up with you because blah blah is too scared to do it herself – so you can either hear it from me or you can watch it on the TV.” He ignores the question and says, “That’s fine. You and I have more chemistry than she and I do.” Shannen ain’t having it: “No we don’t” she flat-lines. Then the kicker, the boyfriend asks Shannen, “Are you ovulating?” My mind went into a temporary coma and I was only resuscitated when the next segment began.

The next couple is a younger couple - I’m guessing late teens or early twenties. This time the boyfriend needs to break up with the girlfriend because she is too controlling. He seems like a sweet guy but undoubtedly into Shannen. This set up is even more retarded than the last. The boyfriend convinces the girlfriend to take a temp job as a phone-relationship-therapist. Right… but it is actually quite genius. She is sitting there giving people relationship advice and then Shannen calls basically regurgitating what the boyfriend told her about his girlfriend: “Yes, I want to talk about my relationship. My boyfriend is really controlling, he doesn’t let me go out with my friends…” The girlfriend tries to give advice, Shannen asks via phone if she can talk to her in person. The girlfriend says that that is probably not a good idea but, SHIT, Shannon is already in the room on the phone! What is going on here?

Shannen befriends the girl long enough to explain why she is there and to ask: “Your boyfriend is breaking up with you, do you want to hear it from me or watch him on the television?” This line, in its simplicity and clarity, rivals only “Deal or No Deal?” The girlfriend watches the tape, cries buckets and Shannen is actually quite good at calming her and even makes her laugh a few times. Then, Shannen’s true colors come out – she starts saying how she had done this controlling shit with her ex-husband. Then she says that we’re all a little crazy (meaning women) and we have to fight the impulse.

Just close your eyes and keep them closed

until I'm done killing you.

This is when I started to realize why Shannen and this show are a perfect combination: Shannen hates guys. It is that simple. She’ll be a huge raging bitch to the broken-up guys who really probably won’t give a shit to begin with and then she’ll be a perfect confidante for the weeping, broken down girls. Ah, genius. I salute you Shannen and cannot wait to see more.

Here’s hoping one break up is on a boat and ends with you getting stabbed… by the way, thank you for that Joey Greco.

FLIP'S QUIPS

2006-08-15T11:51:00.000-04:00

We are trolls. Live with it.

WHO: Undergraduate Students (implies "educated")

WHAT: The Troll Club Student Group (keep reading but don't expect it to make sense)

WHERE: Washington University, St. Louis (never, under any circumstances, go there - think about it, if this is what the educated youth of St. Louis are doing, imagine what the freaks are up to)

HOW: How did Washington University approve and ostensibly fund an organization called The Troll Club? Before you even attempt to answer that, ask yourself how they then funded The Troll 2 Club...

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE | TOP TEN

2006-08-10T17:11:00.000-04:00

I have to play catch up in a bad way so I’ll cut to the chase and start with some So You Think You Can Dance Top Ten Thoughts...

1) How was Allison kicked off before Donyelle, Heidi, and most of all Natalie? I continue to grieve and nothing anyone can say is going to make me feel better. I feel like how I did when a certain someone died on a certain one of my favorite shows… you know who I’m talking about. RIP Allison Holker. The competition stopped when you left. I miss you so much that I watched High School Musical just to see your shining face again. That movie is a fucking nightmare btw.

2) Mia Michaels went from slightly overweight has-been with a cute mop-top-elf-cut (see below) to raging bull-dyke boi in 2 seconds flat. Oh yes, she also became a fucking bitch. Like, what is the point of criticizing the people we love (aka: Benji) at this point in the game? To make America feel badly for loving these amazing, albeit insanely gay, dancers? Anyone remember the lovely Teena Branden/Branden Teena from “Boys Don’t Cry?” Welcome to Mia Michaels, Michael Mia.

From Elf to Elephant: The Mia Michaels/Michael Mia Story

3) I’m not sure if I loved Natalie or I hated her but what I am sure of is that she was undoubtedly a rare slice of human specimen. Allow me to explain. I think in life we all have friends who like try too hard to be friends with people and like overextend jokes (thereby ruining them) and generally act like sad sycophantic fools. We can all agree on this. However, these people tend to be, for lack of a tactful term, ugly and large mutants who try to overcompensate for their large bodies and foul looks with even bigger and fouler personalities. So, to break this down into syllogistic terms for all your logic-losers out there:

: Overdone and try-too-hard personalities are annoying
: People who are ugly and fat try to compensate

with overdone and try-too-hard personalities

:: People who are ugly and fat are annoying

So why is Natalie such a fucking annoying rat? I really want to go up to her and say, “Natalie, you are beautiful – just be an ice queen and everyone will love you – stop acting like the sad and underdeveloped girls who changed in the bathroom instead of the locker room during 7th period gym.” Its really quite condescending and I wish Natalie would stop. Although now she is gone so I guess it is a moot point… unless you are going to see the tour and if you do, please tell Natalie what I think of her and her stupidity.

4) Why is Heidi so damn cute and why do her and Benji have so much chemistry and like do that fake-out-make-out bullshit all the time? I mean, that is fucking sick: Benji is gay. That last observation was funny because you all were supposed to think that I was going to say “is her cousin.” But seriously I love Heidi and I want that old-faced wig-head to win.

Nice to meet you Mrs. Wig-Head

5) Speaking of wig-heads and Heidi, why did Heidi look like she was wearing a wig last week when it was really her own hair?

6) I know everyone thinks Travis is cute but I think he might be retarded, he is always like grabbing at his shirt and his stomach like a little retard kid you would meet on the playground and punch in the dirty teeth.

Hehe, I feel silly - teehee

7) Am I the only one who thinks Donyelle is a giant slag and moves like a goddamn slug? I sure hope not. Also, Donyelle, look more pissed off whenever you get compliments.

Fuck you and your kids, mother fucker

8) Speaking of Donyelle and “compliments,” I want to make one thing crystal clear: there is a difference between having a nice ghetto booty that is perky and god-fearing (Donyelle) and a huge, sick, cellulitic, white-flabby-sagged, LITERALLY obese FAT ASS? Michael, I’m talking to you. How dare you ask to be in a club with Donyelle when the differences between your asses are so obvious that even my previous statement fully describing the extent of your backside-variations is a mere footnote to the situation.

1 finger pushed forward and 1 by the face is the international dyke symbol for, "let me go down on you Mary Murphy." Mary obvi ain't having it. You should have stayed as an elf Mia.

9) Cat Deely is a fucking joy, I love everything about her

10) My final thought will be expressed as a short story-board of Mia Michaels/Michael Mia

Once upon a time there was a woman named Mia Michaels who looked sort of normal

Then she turned into Kathleen Turner in a blond dreaded wig for a little bit.

Then she got fat, ugly and gay...

ooops, wrong big fat gay lady

Finally, there were two porn stars named Michelle Michael and Mia Smiles in a weird Russian Porn Film called "Fetish Desires"

THE END

Friendster Quote of the Day

2006-08-10T07:07:00.000-04:00

Bravo...

- from the profile of an actual Jewish man

NATASHA LYONNE IS ALIVE - and preggers

2006-07-20T22:01:00.000-04:00

IT LIVES!!!

Thank God almighty that Natasha Lyonne is alive and recovered from her meth drugged out stupor - remember when she was in a coma dying from hepatitis c in an NYC hospital?? so amazing - but I think Natasha is doublely blessed by Jesus because she is with child. That's right here is the proof that Natasha Lyonne is pregnant.

It's with CHILD!

That is QUITE a tumbo you've got going on Ms. Lyonne. Quite a tumbo.

REAL WORLD'S PAULA ARRESTED

2006-07-12T17:10:00.000-04:00

SHOCKER OF THE YEAR

A cast member on MTV's "The Real World" was arraigned on a misdemeanor assault charge after police said she bit her boyfriend during a domestic dispute. Paula Ann Meronek, 25, allegedly bit her boyfriend several times when he refused to let her into their home early Sunday morning, police said.

Reportedly, right after this picture was taken, Paula vomited up all her food, yelled "Kiss my Ass!" to several police officers and then started eating her scabs while vomiting and still yelling "Kiss my Ass!"

Oh Paula, I think I speak for all the natives of Key West when I say, we're proud of you kiddo. We expected nothing less.

AL ROKER: ADDING SOCCER GURU TO HIS LONG LIST OF TRICKS

2006-07-10T11:35:00.000-04:00

There have been a lot of interesting articles about Zinédine Zidane. Was this the worst disgrace in World Cup history? What could Materazzi have said to him to incite such a reaction? I've heard sports journalists and commentatories take both sides and the analysis has been wonderful. However, no other journalist, tv personality, or ex-sports star has shed the light on this occurance like the great Al Roker. Below is an excerpt of his startlingly beautiful, prose-like comment about the now infamous head butt:

Al Roker (in a french acccent): How do you say butthead in French? Maybe he is a fan of Beavis and Butthead. Hahahahahaha hee tee hee haha.

Anne Curry (god bless her heart): Haha, oh Al.

This man has just proved why he is the best in the biz.

THE CLOODLE QUESTION

2006-07-05T17:39:00.000-04:00

WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE DIE?

2006-07-01T17:42:00.000-04:00

AND WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME?

First, I find out on Friday that Aaron Spelling has died. Honestly, I'm devastated. NO ONE has touched my life than Aaron Spelling. Sure, he gave us 90210, Melrose Place, and Tori but most of all, Aaron gave us the everlasting Heather Locklear. God bless and rest in peace. Heather, live on and carry out this man's legacy whether it be through first-class shows like "LAX" or bathroom gossip like the Denise Richards-Richie Sambora-David Spade love rhombus.

Secondly, there is another little man who has shaped my life (he weighs about the same as old Aaron - God rest his soul). This little man is known to friends as Ed or sometimes Edward. We knew him as "Eddie" - the incorrigible Jack Russell Terrier from "Frasier." I hope you are with Aaron, Eddie, and I hope you are both stars on the grande stage of Heaven.

Thirdly and most importantly, WHEN DID JONATHAN BRANDIS KILL HIIMSELF AND WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME? I found out about Aaron and Eddie after a week but it has been YEARS since Jonathan Brandis killed himself and yet NO ONE TOLD ME. SO SAD. Does anyone remember "Ladybugs"??!?!? I can never watch with the same joy I used to. All my friends and I did was talk about how cute Jonathan Brandis was and how we wanted him to be our first boyfriend. I'm in shock.

Now I must go back to watching Star Jones on Larry King Live which I recorded Thursday night. We all grieve in different ways...

Starrrrrrrrrrr

Yes? Al, is that you?

No, I'm not gay. I'm Death. And you're next, right after your career.

BREAKING NEWS: BARBARA V. STAR, ROUND 1

2006-06-28T11:39:00.000-04:00

STAR FIRED, BABS FIRED UP

The New View

Apparently Barbara Walters opened the view solo this morning and announced that Star Jones is gone for good, after that giant pig fuck (yes, in my mind, she will always be a tub of lard), told People she was fired and then tried to make nice and cover it up by announcing her departure yesterday.

Well old Babs was fucking pissed off and they kicked Star out yesterday ... so now there are only 3 little ladies left on the old View. Joy must be so pumped.

Best quote, "We MADE Star a STAR" - Babs W.

Here is the real question: what is the net weight of "The View" now? They lost Meredithe (a buck ten), gained rosie (3+ tons) and now lost Star... Anyone? I somehow believe that the law of equilibrium applies to "The View" - the net weight must always remain the same regardless of what idiot is fired or hired.

KATHARINE MCPHEE IS BULIMIC

2006-06-22T15:44:00.000-04:00

McPhee and Vomit: In Love

Katharine McPhee is bulimic ... I cannot believe it! I just thought that Taylor was eating all her food.

It's not really all that shocking though, I mean the poor girl has to carry around some BAGGAGE after getting molested by her father since birth-inception. 7 years of bulimia seems just about right ...

And EVERYONE has to go out and buy the People Magazine or Teen People where she reveals her "Secret" because Katharine is on the cover making the most INAPPROPRIATE seductive face and wearing a white baby doll dress ... doesn't exactly scream "my secret is BULIMIA" ... more like, "my secret is I'm a SLUT-WHORE."

When will she become a child rape advocate, you ask. Maybe once her album drops since this idiot is totally wasting this juicy gossip. Traditionally, in the media, you reveal a secret right before you release:

1) A BOOK

See Terri Hatcher: "Burnt Toast" release and "I was molested" revelation

2) AN ALBUM

Melissa Ethridge: new album inspired by chemo and "I have cancer" reveal

3) A MOVIE

Tom Cruise "War of The Worlds" and

"I'm in love with Katie Holmes and jumping up and down on Oprah's couch"

It is not very difficult McPhee. Your handlers (dad jokes aside please) have really dropped the ball on this one. I suggest a new publicist. Jill Fritzo is quite good.

SALUTE YOUR GRANOLA-HEAD

2006-06-22T12:28:00.000-04:00

Have you ever asked yourself one of these two questions:

Whatever happened to that weird earthy ZZ character

on the 80s classic “Salute Your Shorts?”

Where have I seen that stupid idiot

Courtney from Survivor: Panama before?

For those not good with hints...

COURTNEY IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ZZ

The proof is in the pics..

My mind

Blown

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

2006-06-21T17:39:00.000-04:00

First of all, I LOVE Cat Deely. She is just the right amount of sassy, British-Aussie, feisty, nice, British-Aussie, and giraffe. Her wardrobe is god-awful and somehow that makes me love her more. I swear to god that that old Behemoth Xena-look-a-like host is standing right behind Cat Deely on that balcony whenever the next pair is announced. Watch closely – you can see her big bod.

Second of all, let me remind you that I have no knowledge of dance, nor do I care. What I do have knowledge of is what looks stupid, dumb, retarded, lifeless, wrong, home-like, etc. I don’t want you idiots commenting things like, “that paso doble was technically correct." I will say a giant “fuck you” right here and now so just think about me saying that to you before you do that.

A: What is the difference between

Paula Abdul and Mary Murphy?

There is so much to say but since this post is so late, I’ll cut to the chase...

Benji and Donyelle (HIP HOP): Wonderful, a dream come true. I don’t appreciate the fact that Benji is a bible-thumper but what are you going to do? Pick your battles and with that logic, I pick Ashlee (oh yes, Ashlee, I will get to your stupid pantsuited-bowler-topped self in a bit). How does Benji dance like that? I can’t get over it. God love him. Or at least, God continue to bless him with Thy gifts. Donyelle is also cute. However, did Nigel really have to ask Benji about his ex-girlfriend? The one who more or less left him at the altar. Low blow, Nig, low. Benji and Donyelle were the first recipients of Nigel’s racisim. Nigel says to Donyelle (who is black) re: hip hop, “I mean, I expected that from you Donyelle [because you are black] but [white]Benji…” Now this comment would have been fairly innocuous if Nigel didn’t continue saying shit like that for the rest of the show.

Ivan and Alison (SALSA): I think Ivan is cute. I mean, he was terrible but looked lovely in the little beret and slacks. Goddamn, this Alison is amazing. I love her fat chunk of a face and weirdly tiny baby amazing body.

Jason and Aleksandra (CONTEMPORARY): Oh my god, their weird ugly-ass smiles during the entirety of this performance were vomit-inducing, especially Aleksandra who looked like a fucking idiot. There was one move where she did a jump that took the skill of a village idiot. Also, then I love the part when she gets down on the floor close to the front of the stage and does a scrubbing move while painfully smiling through her weirdly disjointed upper and lower jaw. I thought Jason (speaking of terrible teeth) was awesome bopping up and down with his out-stretched paws. The weirdest part of the whole dance was the fact that the judges thought that Aleksandra was at all good. She stunk it up to high heaven. It was a smell-fest thanks to her, let’s be real judges. THEN, Nigel again says something vaguely racist, something about Jason in Africa. I believe his exact words were “Long Live Africa! Wear your dashiki proud!” Ugh, what a pig.

B: Whose teeth are worse?

Jaymz and Jessica (70s DiSCO): Or as I like to call them, “Rhihorseros and Madonna 2.0.” I liked these two but I hate Jaymz. I hate how he spells his stupid pretentious name, I hate how his face looks – like a horse and a rhino if you didn’t get the allusion before, how is hair is and makes his face look even longer, and his general presence and speech. Jessica has the unfortunate ability to look pained and annoyed whenever she is on camera. AKA: America will hate her and vote her off. I quite liked their dance though even though disco is STUPID. I like how Donatella or whatever that choreographer’s name is said to them, “Ok, we’re going to pretend we’re at a night-club.” As if there is ANY other backstory when it comes to disco. You are a disco genius, Olde Goth. Yes, I’m going to call her Olde Goth from now on.

Stansilav and Erin (PASO DOBLE): I love Stanislav so much. And I think that my loyal fans know what is coming next. Yes, you guessed it, Erin is a PIGUMAN. This poor otherwise beautiful girl has one of the most authentic oinkers I’ve seen since stepping into a mud pit filled with pigs. This poor girl. Anyway, she’ll be revered for her pigginess quite soon. Back to the dancing: Erin was not that great and she did have that awkward slip (not to mention a terrible low-side-ponytail and hideoso dress). Stan was so fucking good though. God bless him.

Dmitry and Joy (HIP HOP): Poor Dmitry. He stunk it up bad but tried so fucking hard. Joy was trying a little too hard too and this is not even to mention that her face is a GIANT OWL’S FACE. Her and her best friend Erin got some animal issues and let me just say that in nature, pigs and owls do NOT get along. Anyway, Joy looked like a sickie with that shit (hair) coming out of her head. The best part was when they just stood there doing those hand movements ala Janet Jackson’s “If” video and and triumphantly smiled as if they had just cured cancer when in fact, they just did stupid arm movements which anyone could do. Ugh, they were awful. I did love the ending part where they like fell on top of each other. That was pretty cool.

Ryan and Heidi (WALTZ): Wow, Ryan was so psyched to have Heidi-Old-Woman-Face as his partner. What a dick. He was so rude and she was so adorable like trying to not let it bother her. I love her I’ve decided. If there is ever an 80-year-old-faced girl I want to win this competition, it is Heidi. Ok, now I need some help here. I was almost brought to tears by their performance. I thought it was so good. But then I start thinking, “I hate the waltz, it is stupid.” And then it hit me: I wasn’t in love with the dance but was swept away in gentle yet powerful Enya warbling. That fucking Enya gets me every time. Remember when it was on those coming attractions for Friends when Joey and Rachel were going to get together? I cried every time.

Ben and Ashlee (80s DISCO): Ok, this was obviously a giant pigfuck but I will say this. That woman dancing in the tapered pants and shirt-tie combo was gorgeous. I loved all her female moves but why was that large-faced woman dancing about her? Weird. Anyway, to sum up this shitstorm as succinctly as I can: poor Ben couldn’t do anything with old sack of beans so he had to resort to eating her out while he spun and tried to lift her. Eek. Terrible.

Travis and Martha (BROADWAY): Wow, these two are obsessed with themselves. I’m telling you, as much as I love Travis right now he is going to be the Blake of this season. He is getting way too cocky and his whole “cue shocked look” when the judges said they were the couple to beat was just annoying. I like that big-face Martha though. I didn’t really think the dance was that amazing but I guess it was fun to watch.

Musa and Natalie (MAMBO): Musa is awesome and I don’t care if he just stood around. He looked so good in those suspenders. God love him. Natalie was fine but I’m really annoyed with her laughing and stuff. You just know that when she was a small beautiful and gorgeous girl her parents said, “Natalie, you are breathtakingly gorgeous but no one likes an egomaniac so whenever someone tells you how beautiful you are just throw back your head and laugh. This will show that you are humble.” We get it Natalie, we know you think you are gorgeous so stop with the whole dog and pony show.

No audience sightings besides an adolescent midget and possibly self-professed boi-dyke Lea Delaria.

___________________________

Answer Key:

A: Paula has two extra chromosomes while Mary only has one.

B: Nigel's

PIGUMAN RETRACTION ALERT!

2006-06-21T16:34:00.000-04:00

We at Flippy and Night have made a grande error and we need to take a moment to apologize for our pig-phamy.

Here was the original statement: "Then I got to thinking, maybe just maybe, Sara Ramirez is not really all that piguhuman-esque, merhaps she just looks like a piguman because she is sharing the screen with annorexy Ellen Pompeo and teeny weeny "George" (that double entendre was on purpose) so that is why I'm specifiying that Dr. Callie Torres IS a Piguman and Sara Ramirez is NOT, she just has the unfortunate luck of playing her on TV."

Here is our retraction:
BOTH Sara Ramirez AND Dr. Callie Torres are goddamn PIGUMEN

After that posting, a source very close to the production of Spamelot or whatever dirty show she was in has informed us that : “Sara Ramirez is a huge bitch. Just FYI. A ranging self-involved diva and she deserves our collective derision.”

Thank god we found out about this when we did. I hope this porker can be stopped now. Good luck though, she is rather large.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY KATE AND ASHLEY

2006-06-13T17:38:00.000-04:00

SO YOUNG AND INNOCENT

Omg. Has the rest of the entire blogging community forgotten that today, June 13, 2006 is Mary-Kate and Ashley's 20th Birthday? It was just 2 short years ago that we were all counting down till these two twin tarts were "legal" and MK's coke problem slash annorexia was all over the tabloids ... how soon we all forget. I wonder what club promoter and dirty hair Greek heir they will be fucking tonight ...

BECKY CONNOR WON'T BE FRIENDSTERS WITH ME

2006-06-08T10:46:00.000-04:00

As a preface, I love me some old Nick At Nite Roseanne episodes. Can't get enough. And of course watching them today means realizing certain truisms that the early 90s could not provide. For example, how amazing is it that Sarah Chalke who is only now a bonafide star thanks to a little show called Scrubs was the second, annoying Becky Connor? Seriously, watch the later eps – she is TERRIBLE. Sarah as Becky just kind of stomps around the shanty Connor house being a bitch and having zero comic timing not to mention zero chemistry with her husband on the show. Ugh, hated her.

One of the funniest things about that whole situation was that during the opening credits of one of the later seasons of Roseanne, they have each cast member do these crazy morphs spanning the entire run of the show. Of course, the best part is all the crazy transformations that Roseanne herself goes through. By "transformations" I mean "plastic surgeries." Anyhoo, they like sort of then HAVE to show Sarah Chalke's transformations even though she has only been on the show for a year. So, while everyone else is going from like 13 year old clown to ugly awkward adolescent (read "Sarah Gilbert"), they show Sarah Chalke basically the same but in different sweaters doing different poses. It is sad.

Ok, so now that we've discussed all that, get this: I saw the REAL Becky Connor, one Lecy Goranson, do an interview for the DVD release of the first season of Roseanne and I thought to myself, she is swell, I'd like to be friends with her. So I did what any blue-blooded American would do and friendstered her. Sure enough she is on there but with a private profile and that stupid thing where you need to prove to know her to be her friend. This is potentially a good sign because it means that it is actually Lecy and not someone who has taken a dumb paparazzi photo and created an account for Angelina Jolie. Anyway, since I know her full name, I requested to be her friend but then she REFUSES. I'm pissed.

Becky 1, Becky 2

(Evil Becky, Good Becky)

You are the pits Lecy. We could have been besties. I supported you as Becky and I support you now even though Sarah Chalke has totally surpassed you in every way and I'm sure she'd be friendsters with me. You'll regret this Becky, it will be worse than when you farted in class that one time and Dan and Roseanne had to try and console you.

JODI SWEETIN ALERT

2006-06-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

That's right our favorite little "Full House" recovering Meth addict ACTUALLY got a JOB!

Way to go Jodi Sweetin! Oh, wait, I didn't tell you what her job was ... its the host of, "Pants-Off-Dance-Off" on Fuse ... that's right PANTS - OFF ... DANCE - OFF. Where people dance and take their clothes off ... and yes, it's on FUSE ... What's fuse you say? Oh its this terrible rip-off of MTV that has been around for a few years but just hasn't quite "taken off" yet.

There can only be one explanation for all of this, Jodi is BACK on the crystal meth. It's sad realy. I wish one Kimmy Gibbler or one of the Olsen Twins would step in and smack some sense into her.

"Hmm, I smell meth with a hint of dirty skank.

Oh... Jodi, I didn't see you there."

L WORD SEASON 4 PREVIEW: PART II

2006-06-06T11:07:00.000-04:00

Prognosis: Older and Haggier than Ever

If the whole deaf-Marlee-Matlin-love-interest for Bette wasn't bad ENOUGH ... NOW Betty has used its omnipotent powers to get OLD HAG Cybil Shepard to sign on to "The L-Word" as "Bette's new boss who begins questioning her sexuality" ... I don't understand 50+ women who begin questioning their sexuality, I just dont ... and come on, you KNOW that Betty is going to make Bette hook up with this old slag. Vom.

Don't get me wrong, Cybil was beautiful back in the day, I think we all remember "Moonlighting" fondly but that was 20+ years ago ... She has turned into a goddamn ukulele playing freak and YOU KNOW IT.

Thanks again Betty for RUINING THE SHOW ... why don't you just get Cam Man to guest star and have weird interactions with Shane...oh WAIT you already did. Alright, how about Jorja Fox? That tweezer-toting dyzzy would stick the giant gay fork in this overdone piece of shit show.

TOM CRUISE HAS HIS CLAWS IN KATHARINE MCPHEE!

2006-06-01T14:56:00.000-04:00

SHE'S ALREADY GOT THAT CRAZY LOOK IN HER EYE!

There is a terrible rumor going around that our precious little Katharine McPhee has been asked to SING at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding ... terrifying! Like, Tom Cruise, stop. We gave you Katie Holmes, now leave McPheever ALONE. She doesn't want to join your damn CULT.

AHH ... McPhee actually LOOKS alot like that old KATIE HOLMES.

COME ON - That so could be McPhee!

QUENCH YOUR POST IDOL BLUES HERE

2006-05-30T18:11:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I miss it too. But Idol is gone until January 2007 - GOD willing it will actually be GOOD next season - but to quench those post-Idol-Taylor-Hicks-stinks blues ... I will share this GEM with you.

I just found this pic on Confessions of a Celebrity Stalker (great little site, btw, love it) ... that's right, its freak-show Constantine from last season getting denied access to the Maxim Hot 100 Party last week ... fucking IN-credible.

SINCE WHEN...

2006-05-30T10:08:00.000-04:00

Did Jay Hernandez turn into the FAT Hal Sparks?

Fatty Jay Skinny Sparks

Ok, so this is an old development, but I just watched "Hostel" last night, which was fucking retarded btw, like why were they all such pig-assholes the whole time, I actually wanted them all to be slaughtered. What happened to the cute adorable Jay Hernandez from "Crazy/Beautiful"? For whatever reason Jay has turned into a big fat Hal Sparks.

PIGUMAN OF THE WEEK

2006-05-25T17:18:00.000-04:00

With the Season Finale of "Grey's Anatomy" becoming a distant memory, I will try and rescuscitate the only way I know how... by naming Callie from Grey's Anatomy the Piguman of the week!

Dr. Callie Torres

PIGUMAN OF THE WEEK

Pigography: This little piggee is dating George on "Grey's" ... now I have since found out that Sara Ramirez, the woman behind the PIG, is in fact a Tony Award winning actress. Then I got to thinking, maybe just maybe, Sara Ramirez is not really all that piguhuman-esque, merhaps she just looks like a piguman because she is sharing the screen with annorexy Ellen Pompeo and teeny weeny "George" (that double entendre was on purpose) so that is why I'm specifiying that Dr. Callie Torres IS a Piguman and Sara Ramirez is NOT, she just has the unfortunate luck of playing her on TV.

Pigopsy: Keep in mind that this little piggee looks HER BEST in this picture. Well, at least the left-hand one. She usually looks much worse and much much bigger when running and storming about on "Greys."

AMERICAN IDOL FINALE - Wednesday, May 24th 2006

2006-05-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

TAYLOR WINS IT, KATHARINE SHOWS TIT

(that was a terrible title)

OPENING

You know, I thought it was over for me. I had moved on from it and was dealing with the future of my life. HOWEVER, I felt at right at home when those idols came out in white and I could revert back to my heyday and say what I’ve wanted to say for many a fortnight… Mandisa look big. Especially in white. There, it is out and it is back and I am proud.

THE HOMETOWNS

Taylor was lucky enough to have those two idiot bitches, the O’Donahue twins make appearances as his hometown correspondents. We open with Becky telling us how crazy it is there in Alabama. She says “I’m here with my sister Jesse.” The real shocker is that I have found out from a reliable source that it was actually JESSE talking and NOT BECKY. They pulled the old switcheroo. I can’t believe it! It was actually JESSE!!!! Wait a second, I’m getting another news bulletin from my source…. And here it is: it doesn’t matter because no one gives a shit about either twin.

The lovely Tamyra Gray was outside the parking lot of the theater in Kat’s hometown. I like Tamyra and want to see more of her.

SINGING WITH THE “IDOLS”

I guess the idea behind this is that our idols get to sing with their idols. Very clever. First up we have Paris sounding like ass as usual. She is dressed in what looks like rundown but fitted trash bags. In keeping with the theme, she gets some adorable old homeless guy to sing with her. He has a beautiful singing voice for a homeless man.

In a bold move, Chris sings with idol and doppelganger bald-guy from Live. This was fine I guess. Hearing Chris sing made me miss him and even though I didn’t care at the time, get really pissed that he was voted off so early. Sucks that they didn’t sing Lightning Crashes which is definitely the best live song. I guess it is a little depressing for this giant happiness-fest. I’m proud of Live for getting back in the limelight too.

Kat is up next singing with the ADORABLE MEAT. I love this guy. Although I don’t understand what all the shakes were about. Very weird. I love the little drama they had going on too. They really acted out the scene. And the symbolism in that red handkerchief was just... well, pointless but still cool. Meat can do no wrong in my book. And Kat was AWESOME. Now I’m really wanting her to win. She was so fucking good. After hating on her for so long, I’m really rooting for her. She is just BETTER than Taylor, let’s be real. Oh yeah, and Katharine was REALLY working the rack. Good for her. I’m reminded of comedian and Queen Gaylord Ant’s take on the situation: “My friends hope Taylor wins only because it will be that much sooner that Katharine will be in playboy.” Now that is the first good reason I’ve heard for Taylor taking the title.

Boobs

Elliott, announced adoringly by his wonderful mother, takes the stage and starts with a little U2 action. I’m like pissing in my pants waiting for Bono to come out those doors. He never does but Mary J joins the party and it is just as good. They sound terrible together mostly because Mary J is hogging all the runs and stage. Elliott is really cute and sounds awesome though. You just know Elliott is loving wigging it up with an actual black person – Mandisa’s departure was VERY hard on him as well. At the end of this little ditty, Mary J runs off stage and Elliott kind of lingers. Looks like her contract was only for the song kids, I’m sorry.

Ugh, Taylor needs to get over this stupid gheTho song. No one cares. Although wait a moment here. Toni Braxton! Halleluiah. But wait… something is off. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TONI’S VOICE? She is barely singing and is reminding me of a lazy and drunk ventriloquist’s dummy. Very weird. I have no idea what is going on but I fancy her nightgown.

BOYS ENSEMBLE PIECE

So this started out okay and not too gay. Elliot was looking ADORABLE and TINY. I had forgotten how much I loved Bucky so I admired him for a bit. I felt bad that Chris had to participate because he is just too good for this. I actually enjoyed Taylor because all he did was play the harmonica which is MUCH cooler than his singing. Then the music changes and it happens. The cheese begins and all the guys simultaneously grow dicks in their asses. IT TURNS INTO THE GAYEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. It just gets worse from there. I feel bad for Chris and Bucky who are going to have to do this over and over again during the Idol concert until they develop hemorrhoids and possibly contract a VD.

GIRLS ENSEMBLE PIECE

Wow, Mandisa look big. Here is my amazing fantasy. So, Katharine starts singing the song right? What I picture happening is that those big doors open and big old Mandisa is masked in light. Then she starts singing. However, we realize, once Katharine steps out from behind her that it was really Katharine singing and Mandisa was only lip-synching. THEN, the music picks up and all the girl idols come out of hiding from behind Mandisa. They had been there the whole time. Much like one of those clown cars but in this case, the clown car is Mandisa.

Mandisa = Car in my fantasy

I’m sorry but that was all I could think about the entire time so I missed quite a lot of what actually happened. I did however notice that Pickler was in the same all-black outfit she wore when she sang Queen. Couldn’t they have afforded another outfit for her? Did they really have to recycle it? I mean, I understand McPhee and Paris wearing the same sick black jeans at one point but really, this is the finale for god’s sake. And as I watched these girls prance around, I have to say what I am feeling: I want Lisa Tucker to win! I know, that makes no sense but I like that little Tuck and I’m hoping she pulls out an upset tonight. Not to dwell but Mandisa looks like she ate three gays. Mandisa allegedly says the incident occurred “not because I don’t approve of their lifestyle but because I was hungry.” You heard it here first folks. I will end with something not too insulting for old Manfatty: for a big lady, she sure does move pretty well. Man, is she big though.

CO-ED PIECE A LA BURT BACCARACH

Every goddamn time McPhee sings after Taylor, like in this opening, I’m reminded of how much better she is than him and it pisses me off that she is most definitely going to lose. Ok, moving on to some other highlights. Ace and Melissa (is that her name?) sing some gayness and then Pickler sings a terrible song but looks cute while she does it. Mandisa look not tiny. Lisa starts singing some song by Burt on the piano. Elliott sings “A House is Not a Home” beautifully! Oh, he is just so wonderful. I love him. It wasn’t as good a rendition as Tamyra Gray’s but it was still awesome. Then the camera is still in a zoomed out mode and I start hearing some sick fuck singing that Pussycat song by old Tom Jones. I turn to my friend in horror and say, “Who is that?!” and she replies, “IT HAS A LISP, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT IS?”

Yes, I got yelled out because of nancy-boy Kevin Covais. And the stupid girls bopping behind the piano was ridiculous – Kelly just laughed the entire time. Good for her. Then the 3 stooges (Ace, Kevin, and Chris) try to start a little portion on key and fail miserably. Whoa. That was bad.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD

Summary: 5 minutes of crap equaling 20 seconds of fast forward on my TiVo of Carrie singing something about Jesus and date rape.

DIONNE WARWICK

I don’t remember who it was but one of the Idols goes, “Ladies and Gentlemen… Dionne… WARWICK!!” Here is what I pictured happening in my fantasy. Dionne is announced and appears like Jesus from behind those big doors. She saunters downstage with the music and then all of a sudden a chair and table are moved on set and she gives a psychic reading. When she is finished with that she says, “Ladies and Gentlemen… Miss… CLEO!!!” Then, out of the same doors in the same Jesus-fashion, Miss Cleo appears, saunters downstage and belts out a beautiful rendition of the Baccarach classic “Walk on By.” The place goes ape-shit. And then I woke up. You know, I will say that for a woman who is older than the television set, she still has a pretty decent voice.

PRINCE AND TWO WOMEN

They got fucking Prince? This is incredible. And man, he looks good. Lovely little buffont still rocking it and damn, he can still move. Not bad.

PUCK & PICKLER

This was a gem of a sketch. A gem. I love how Pickler borrowed Puck’s glasses (as if all prescriptions were the same, god bless her) and asked if she looked smart. I also love Puck not messing around and saying, “Eat it now.” I thought this was adorable. I could have sworn that Miss Shania Twain herself was serving the food and I was expecting a “Surprise, its me! Shania! Carrying your lobster.” But it didn’t happen. Those Idol producers really missed the boat on that one.

IDOL AWARDS

I quite liked this little idea. Made the time move quickly and was pretty entertaining. We open with Best Female and Male Vocal. Of course Dave Hooper wins for male (btw – they show a clip of him hanging out before auditioning and you can see Chris and his wife making out in the background. It was a good catch on my part). I still can’t believe idiots Randy and Paula voted Dave Hooper through. Whatever kudos they deserve by supporting Taylor when Simon didn’t are completely wiped away by their Dave Hooper idiocy. Congrats you fools. You will never beat Simon.

Next, they do a family award and if goddamn Elliott’s adorable mother does not win, I’m going to die. The other contenders are Nanny McPhee’s Mr. Belvedere father and Chris’ wife who is actually very cute. I hope he doesn’t get a big head and leave her. Although I don’t really see where else that relationship can go at this point. Maybe if she lost a few lbs it would be another story. Can’t say for sure. Elliott’s mom wins! And the statue she receives was made to be an exact replica of her body size. That is so thoughtful of the Idol Producers.

That crazy Clay-pee-er is back and has not changed one bit. I’m sorry but I just don’t buy this guy. I mean, come on. There is NO way that Clay washes his hands after he takes a piss. And WHO IN THE HELL WAS THAT WEIRDLY COIFFED CLAY IMPERSONATOR THAT CAME OUT AND SANG AT THE END? In all honesty though, Clay was a very good sport to show up and do what he did. You may hear closet doors creak every time he takes a step but that was a very nice gesture. I loved how they made that crazy Clay wannabe sit in the chair so the actual Clay could perform. This entire thing was a masterpiece and I’m still pinching myself.

I don't know about you but this triumverate blows my mind

THE AMERICAN IDOL IS…

Well first they do the Dirty Dancing number which is awesome and AGAIN, Kat is just amazing and Taylor sucks mud. They have to do this awkward bopping in the middle of the song and Taylor is so fucking weird about it. I hate him. Anyway, he wins. Taylor Hicks. That fucking sucks although Katharine was very gracious. Thank god my TiVo cut out and I didn’t have to watch this awful loser in his glory. I hate America.

AUDIENCE SIGHTIINGS (In Order of Appearance):

Ben Stiller and Heather Locklear sitting together and whispering. That is weird. Maybe it was really Denise Richards in a Ben Stiller costume trying desperately to be close to her bestie again.

David Boreanaz with an actual cute kid. That was nice to see although I think the kid was a little too young to be enjoying idol (aka: we know it is you Angel).

Finally at the end we see David Hasselhoff crying just moments after Taylor is crowned the American Idol. Now that was weird. And that was when my TiVo cut off which made a very awkward end to my viewing.

Just thought this was a funny little caper - Clay liking boobs, hilarious

Again, many many many thanks to TVGASM for the screen grabs .. check out the link to the right.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 23rd 2006

2006-05-24T12:57:00.000-04:00

OPENING

My favorite moment was when Seacrest asks everyone who their favorite idol is and the camera pans to the audience. People are screaming "TAAYLOOR" or "KAAATT" and then there is this woman who just gets nervous when she sees herself on camera and basically opens her mouth and just yells without even screaming a name.

ROUND 1

NANNY MCPHEE: The McPheever got alittle risqué in this little number and she showed her stomach! However, there was a mysterious absence of belly button. Interesting. Well not really put I'm pulling at straws for this review since it was entirely boring. After she was done, Seacrest asked about all the "thousansds" of red roses in her dressing room and goes, "Who's the guy?" ... McPheever says, "They're from my fan club!" Nice cover up, McPhee, we ALL know they are from your father. I bet he got pretty jealous when that little hussy put her hand on the banjo players knee during the song and then quickly removes it as the camera switched angles. Come on, Mpheever, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW!

Damn slut. And that horse cherry tree crap song sucks. ew.

TAYLOR: Ew. That purple velour jacket was atrocious. I mean WHAT wereyou thinking? And is just me, or is Taylor the ONLY idol who has gotten FATTER during the competition? I mean usually they lose weight, not old Hicks though, he has PACKED on the lbs. Just look at his fat
grey face. Sickening.

POP QUIZ

Who's Brother would you rather fuck?

Taylor's sick-ass-brother or Ace's elephantitis-brother ?

What? Kill yourself, you say?
That's the correct answer.

ROUND 2

KATHARINE: This was good again but still kind of boring. And I still do not understand the beginning monologue. I have never heard it before and frankly, I never want to hear it again.
Also, those are not tears from Daddy McPhee, just the masturbation he wiped on his face. Paula, made no sense once again by calling McPhee – "possessed with and possessive of…" WHAT? Speakin' any English, Paula?

TAYLOR: In two words: dumb and annoying. Randy says he was pitchy, Paula counters with "if pitchy is you, you are essence of a dolphin" or something stupid. Good one P-dog.

ROUND 3

Who writes these shit songs? Shoot them immediately. They were fucking atrocious. I actually feel sorry for these 2 idiots that they had to sing this shit.

KATHARINE: Kat was milking it a little too much with the starry-eyed look up at the rafters. Best part of this terrible song was after it was over and you could see Daddy McPhee
ejaculating from the eyes or as some say, "crying." Second best part was at the end when they panned to the audience and "Katharine's Friends and Family" was written across the screen but the shot was of Tori Spelling ... who knew they were friends and not only that, family. Excellent.

TAYLOR: Why did he squat the entire time as if to take a huge dump on the
token altar boys? Weird.

SUMMATION

Overall tonight was a total fucking dissappointment. I thought they
both STUNK it UP. Ugh.

SPECIAL GUEST

DANIEL POWTER: First off, what a treat to see a montage ofall the idiots who have graced us with their terrible voices thiscrappy season. That was lovely. Secondly, I didn't know Daniel Powter had AIDS. That is such a shame. I hope his AZT is working.

AUDIENCE SIGHTINGS AND PERFORMANCES

Christina Applegate - Honey, 2 months ago I would have been shocked and apauled that you degraded yourself to be in the AI audience, but since seeing all your retarded Hanes commercials as of late, I'm not shocked, obviously you need the exposure, even if it is just clapping for a fat idiot.

Constantine - Can you just go away? And keep your hands of Pickles! You are so gross Constantine. Like so gross. Did anyone else notice him make eyes at the camera when he realized it was on him, yuck. He looks so strung out too. Jesus. Take a nap.

Elliot looked divine as always.

Tori Spelling, apparently a relative of Katharine's, was sitting with some damn kid who was holding a Pick Hicks sign, kind of disrepectful to your kinsman Katharine, but whateva, Tori.

Mandy Moore - Mandy! What are you doing? You are technically, "Saved!" and "A Walk to Remember" aside, a fucking pop star. Don't come to American Iodl, ok? Good.

EVEN IDIOTS CAN USE GOOGLE

2006-05-23T22:27:00.000-04:00

It's true ... even total idiots can use google and we here at Flip Kicks and Night Bellows have PROOF. Here are a few things that people searched in Google and found our little blog ...

what are musical donnie licks
This little gem found our May 16th American Idol review with this line, "Elliot picked a nice wiggery song with lots of Donnie-licks in it."

l Word Season 4
Okay, Okay, this is pretty tame.

raven simone biracial
Ooooh. Now this is alittle more interesting ...

Katharine mcphee booty
getting BETTER ...

Transexually Porn
Are YOU FUCKING serious? Someone searched TRANSEXUALLY PORN and came up with this blog ... horrifying.

RASCAL RODRIQUEZ IS AT IT AGAIN

2006-05-23T13:14:00.000-04:00

THIS TIME, SHE HAS TO HELP THE COMMUNITY

No more bopping around talking on your cell for you, Mich!

According to legal beagle (that was terrible) TMZ, our favorite dead hispanic Lost actress, Michelle Rodriguez, is heading BACK to jail for 60 days. Her DUI arrest and subsequent 5-day-jail-stint in Hawaii was a violation of her PROBATION in Los Angeles ... so now, she is going #1 back to the clink, #2 into rehab and #3 has to do a 30 days of community service with, get a load of this, MADD. Fucking amazing. Remember last time, she CHOSE jail over community service! Amazing, now, she fucking has to do BOTH.

Plus, this poor thing doesn't have a damn job, thanks ABC. Why didn't you kill off fucking Charlie, that piece of trash.

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday May 17, 2006

2006-05-18T12:22:00.000-04:00

R.I.P ELLIOT YAMIN and HIS MOTHER

Elliot in his Christ-like glory

There really isn't much to say about last night's episode of Idol except that Elliot is the most wonderful man on the face of the earth - and clearly is JC reincarnated, right? *

Anyway, I guess I should mention those 2 other idiots.

Ew ... Taylor.

Taylor, I hate you, you are gross and old and fat (even though you aren't old, you look it) ... Your home town visit was stupid, except for when you told the Gov. and his wife that they were the newest members of the Soul Patrol (ew) and Mrs. Governor was like overwhelmed with excitement, it was like fucking christmast morning for her. That was cute. Otherwise, I hate you Taylor, you are gross and old and fat.

Nanny pre-groping.

Katharine, poor poor Nanny McPhee, the people of LA do NOT care at all about Idol. Taylor and Elliot got the best celebrations that their little bodunk towns (even though Richmond, VA, isn't really podunk) had ever seen ... Nanny, well, she got a party at her high school (woo hoo - she got groped by some fatties) and a BIG HUGE PARTY at her parent's house (woo hoo - she got groped by her father). Sad. Sorry about that Nanny.

Elliot is GOD.

Elliot's homecoming was better than the second coming of Christ**. Am I right? It was so fucking cute how he was waving from the covertible and his dream of a mother was just bawling. They were both so emotional and adorable. God Bless them. And for all of you out there who were like, "why the fuck is Elliot putting on a Braves jersey when he's in Richmond," the Braves actually have a farm team in Richmond, the Richmond Braves, so that solves that deep confusing mystery.

While I'm devastatingly sad that Elliot won't be in the finals, I'm really just happy that this little baby angel has entered my life, albeit briefly. I adore you, little man.

BTW, how UGLY was Yamin in the early days of Idol? He was like SOOOO hideous. It was actually terrifying. UGH .. I'm glad the producers played that up, because his hideous visage actually softened the blow of him being booted. Merci for that Simon Fuller. Merci.

The sickness that was Elliot

* I must apologize to all religious and non-religious readers of Flip Kicks and Night Bellows for all the Jesus talk today, but I was truly moved by Joanie and Elliot last night and regained my belief in a higher being by their mutual presence on this Earth.

** Again, I do apologize.

ANTM FINALE - Wednesday May 17, 2006

2006-05-18T11:28:00.000-04:00

Let me just get this off of my chest - JOANIE WAS ROBBED! That was such fucking trash. If you honestly thought about both of them in every category of "modeling" - the only thing that Danielle did better, and not even by much, was runway. FUCKING BULLSHIT ... but I digress...

Joanie, RIP, was hilarious last night. The comments she pulls out about Jade are god damn brilliant (remember 2 weeks ago - "when I sit next to her, all I smell is BITCH"). Tonight, a riff on the original: "Her personality smells like a dirty diaper." Hilarious.

Jade's hair was a fucking disaster as always. It was simply a comb-over and a sick one at

Jade's Sick Head

COVERGIRL COMMERCIAL

Joanie spoke beautifully in the CoverGirl commercial; how did that happen? She usually sounds so dumb in the confessionals.

Is Jade retarded? It isn’t too hard to learn lines and it is certainly NOT hard to READ CUE CARDS. Jay actually asked “Can you read the cue cards, can you see them?” Does part of her think she can write better lines? I just can’t get over her idiocy. By the way, in commenting about her performance for the Cover Girl commercial Jade said, “I am a sole survivor.” Yup, I didn’t know either. Jade is the only person to live through the holocaust. Such a touching, sad story of survivor-dom. Oh and then she lied to Danielle about how her commercial went by saying, “it went perfectly.” In this case, perfect means “giant pig-fuck of hell.”

SIDEBAR - RANDOM COMMERCIAL

I know, I know, I never watch commercials either thanks to TiVo, but I had to stop and watch this one when I saw Sandra Bullock sporting a terrible, terrible hair-do in a new movie with Keanu Reeves. Something about their love transcending time and place. I call it Brokeback Non-Gay Lake House.” Looks like a winner.

Back to Jade’s lies. She tells everyone that she needed no direction during her Cover Girl photo shoot and yet they voice over the director constantly saying things like, “Stop being dramatic,” “Don’t do that,” and finally “You look like you are trying to choke yourself.

THE ELIMINATION #1

T-Bag looked hideous with weird upswept hair, general weight gain, and a weird transparent veiled dress. The only way I can describe the ensemble is that she looked like a fat woman in a painting. Twiggy’s hair was a disaster but British disasters are America’s successes. That sounded cool but I really don’t know what it means. You be the judge.
One thing we learned from Tyra bashing Danielle’s commercial is that Tyra is a brilliant actress. But we already knew that. Or at least she already knew that.

The judges’ discussion was pretty funny. I love how Twiggy hates Jade and said something like “She has taken beautiful pictures, even I have to admit that.”

Then… the moment we’ve all been waiting for… JADE IS ELIMINATED! Thank you sweet baby jesus.

Jade’s elimination was everything I thought it would be and more. She sauntered out, struck a pose and then Tyra laughed in her face. Twiggy looked scared of Jade as usual. Then we watch and hear Jade packing. She seems to think this is a good time for beat poetry and here it is, verbatim, Jade’s exit beat poem:

Left over lady (snap, snap)
Let alone the strongest to be subdued (snap)
If I only had the magic key (snap)
That would unlock the realms to the plateau (snap, snap)
Of the highest me (snap)
Even though I been badly bruised (snap)
Living in a house (snap)
To become a popular muse (snap, snap)

(walking, still snapping)

THEN goddamn genius producers “snap” her out of the model montage. Way to go Ken Mok.

Danielle and Joanie were so sweet back in the hotel and so stoked. They did some cute singing and dancing and then we were ready for the runway.

The runway challenge was AWESOME. However, did anyone else think that the ANTM judges were acting incredibly rude and juvenile? They honestly reminded me of like the stupid younger brothers and sisters who are forced to go to their older sister’s dance competition. They run amuck in the stands, make weird faces, and are just generally stupid. Very mature ANTM judges, Tyra especially.

FINAL ELIMINATION

Everyone had like these long elegiac speeches about Joanie and Danielle but then all Tyra says, after an awkward silence is “Damn y’all!” What a loser.

And then, the unthinkable happened, Danielle won. Don't get me wrong, I honestly love that gap-toothed lady, but my passion for Joanie is simply undying. Danielle is a godsend but Joanie was actually carried by Jesus to earth swaddled in gift wrap for all of us to enjoy.

Godspeed Joanie. I truly hope you don't have to go back to stripping.

BREAKING NEWS *** NEW "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" HOST

2006-05-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

So, we all remember that little gem of a FOX show from last summer, "So You Think You Can Dance," not ringing any bells, come on! It was FOX's bizzaro combination of "American Idol" and "Dancing with Celebrities" (sans celebrities) ... It was actually a very fine program, with a host who had a very robotic and "Julie Chen" way about her ... Miss Lauren Sanchez. This thing was a damn robot (even more robotic than good old Tyra Banks)

Anyway, FOX has taken another page from ABC's book (think Samantha Harris replacing Lisa Canning on season 2 of "Dancing with Celebs") and has replaced Lauren with british tart, Cat Deeley.

I mean COME ON .... this thing is a slut ... I hope she can dance ... or at least think she can dance.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 16th 2006

2006-05-17T09:21:00.000-04:00

STARRING PAULA ABDUL

Tonight’s episode had one star and that star was Paula. With her solo number on the catwalk and meanness towards Katharine, weird laughter, and general idiocy she has far surpassed the talent of these 3 remaining hopefuls.

ROUND 1: CLIVE’S PICK

Elliot: “Open Arms” Journey
Katharine: “I Believe I Can Fly” R. Kelly
Taylor: “Dancing in the Dark” Bruce Springsteen

The interactions of the contestants with Clive Davis was SCARY with a capital Awkward. First Elliot, wearing a cute little topper, has to deal with this maniac. It was as if the producers said, “Ok, Clive you say something weird. Now pause. Elliot, you may begin. Please say something even more awkward.” These producers are geniuses. Katharine dresses up to see this music mogul – jeans and a T-shirt. The sexuo-tension is not as bad as it was with baby-raper Mottola but pretty intense nonetheless. Taylor has the most sane interaction with Clive but I think it is only because we expect such awkwardness from him that we are shocked when he is a smidgen less strange.

Elliot’s “Open Arms” was pretty good I guess. I always like Elliot though. I realized he sings as if his right eye was punched. It is always squinted and a bit puffy. I like it.

Katharine was a maniac with this piece of shit song but at least she tried. But man oh man, did this bitch ever get sassy with the judges. I must give her props for finally saying what no one in the past seasons has said in response to the ‘song choice’ comment: “I didn’t pick it.” Every season, when someone else picks the songs for the contestants the idiot judges (Simon excluded of course) always say they didn’t like the song. Well, neither did the contestant I’m sure but they kind of had to sing it. I’m proud of Nanny for sticking up for contestants present, past and future. She is a pioneer, a Harriet Tubman of the music world. I wish Katharine McPhee would build an underground railroad for all the contestants who were told their song choice was bad even though they didn’t pick the song. This would be good for two reasons: 1) we wouldn’t have to see those idiots in the AI audience year after year and 2) it would be kind of cool. Katharine was on a roll though because once Paula started stuttering about something incomprehensible although definitely negative, Katharine made a face to the world as if to say, “Um, I’m amazing, I really don’t understand.” I knew she had a big head to match that belly. I’m surprised she kept it hidden for so long though. I hope she continues on this bitch streak.

Finally, we have Taylor. He dedicates this song to Paula because she dances as if she is in the dark. I actually think it was a subtle reference to Helen Keller, god rest her soul. She proves his theory by dancing like a fool all over the catwalk which, despite my initial hesitancy, was somewhat amazing and endearing. As for Taylor’s performance, I really don’t care all that much.

ROUND 2: JUDGE’S PICK

Elliot/Paula: “What You Won’t Do For Love” Bobby Caldwell
Katharine/Simon: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” who the fuck sung this originally? More importantly, who gives a shit?
Taylor/Randy: “You Are So Beautiful” Joe Cocker

Leave it up to Paula to pick a song and singer no one has ever heard of. The song was so stupid I felt bad for poor Elliot. He sang it fine though and he is cute.

Leave it up to Simon to pick an amazing and perfect song for Katharine. However, it was not Simon but Katharine who sang the shit out of this song. I will say that I did not get the opening soliloquy bit – that was weird. I got over it pretty fast because the rest was amazing. Like incredible. So good. Thank you Simon and Katharine you should thank him too because if Paula picked a song, you would most certainly be singing “Shipoopie” from The Music Man. Praise Jesus.

Leave it up to Randy to… I really have nothing to say in this vein but wanted to be consistent. He came through and picked a decent song although I thought Taylor sounded like my ass. Physically. I hated it, the whole dramatic strained voice and awkward knee squat. Ugh.

ROUND 3: CONTESTANT’S PICK

Elliot: “I Believe To My Soul” Ray Charles (Donnie Hathaway version) – I don’t know what this means by I wrote it anyway
Katharine: “I Ain’t Got Nothing But the Blues” Ella Fitzgerald
Taylor: “Try a Little Tenderness” Otis Redding

Elliot picked a nice wiggery song with lots of Donnie-licks in it. WHO IS DONNIE HATHAWAY? He has really taken Paula’s “funky white boy” to heart. Speaking of hearts, mine felt warm when Simon said that Elliot was a great kid and a great singer and made his mom proud. Why is Simon so great? I love him. I hope he never dies.

Speaking of death, Katharine’s performance was gross and stupid. Why in the world did she pick that song? I personally hated it but loved when she gave the same annoyed look at the audience when the judges commented. You wag that big old head you little bitch. I love it. Keep it up.

Speaking of old, Taylor in a move which defied all logic and seemed to say “I’m-the-only-contestant-with-a-brain-and-will-pick-a-decent-song” chose Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness.” Amazing choice, poor delivery. I thought it was derivative and the ending made me miscarry. Thanks Taylor, now I’m Idol-less and childless. Why even live?

Audience Sightings

APPARENTLY ROSEANNE WAS IN THE AUDIENCE. Roseanne, in addition to being insane, is also my hero. I somehow missed it but will go back tonight to see this most wonderful freak. Has anyone seen commercials for her weird children’s singy videos? Yes, Rosie now fancies herself a singer hence the Idol sighting. God love her though.

The only other person I saw was someone named Zac Efron from something named High School Musical. I just don’t get this whole following yet so I’ll make fun of it until I watch it and then love it.

I threw this in because I have no idea what this was about. Anyone?

Photos from www.tvgasm.com (thank you tvgasm)

PIGUMAN OF THE WEEK

2006-05-16T11:08:00.000-04:00

Introduction: My life seems to be plagued by a certain type of person – or as I like to say porcon – I may have mentioned here before. That type of person/species is what I’ve coined a Piguman or Humanig. These are the folks you see daily who simply must contain half human, half pig DNA. The Piguman is an abundant species living among us: walking, talking, and – you guessed it – eating. These creatures tend to be pink-tinted, large, sometimes bespeckled, and ugs. The Piguman is pronounced “Pig-yoo-mahn” and not simply “Pig-human” as some laypersons would think. Humanig is pronounced precisely how one would think. Certain dialects refer to these misfits as “enraged battle swine.” I do not. I mostly prefer piguman or porcon. The latter is a combination of “porcine” and “person,” porcine being the scientific name for a pig.

In honor of this new segment, “Piguman of the Week,” and the season finale of “Top Chef,” this week’s Piguman is…

Tiffani Faison

PIGUMAN OF THE WEEK

Pigography: Tiffani is the hard-hitting mega-bitch from “Top Chef.” She is bisexual and fat and has successfully isolated herself from the rest of the top chefs with her bitchiness, abrupt kitchen manner, and basic pig-like attitude. She was told off by EVERYONE on the reunion show and I almost felt bad for this big pig. She, like Jerri Mathers before her, and Puck before both, walked off the Reunion Show set crying. She came back though. Pigs always do. They are an incorrigible sort.

Pigopsy: Notice first the pink and bespeckled nature of the subject’s skin. From there, you will notice the extant pig-oinker structure to the nose. Her red/orange hair for some reason makes her piggier and uglier. The small beady eyes are also reminiscent of the wild pig-boar. Last and most importantly, she is tubby.

ANTM - Wednesday May 10th 2006

2006-05-13T13:37:00.000-04:00

SARAH PLAIN AND MALL

GETS THE BOOT

First things first, let's recap... left in the model pool are:

Joanie: Preacher's daughter-pole-dancer-speech-impedimented sweetheart

Jade: Ugly-old-bi-bacial-arrogant-dumb Q-tip head

Danielle: Southern-gap-toothed-dixie-loving delight

Sarah: Discovered in a mall. I'm sorry but if that is all she is going to ever talk about then I refuse to do any differently.

That weird Pichta woman who gave the girls their go-see challenge was so strange. "And now, I say hello. And now, you are girls. And now, you have challenge. And now, I speak English. And now, I give you baht. And now, you go go-see." And now, I finish making fun of poor Thai woman.

Sarah's little confessional begins with her talking about her desire being questioned because she was discovered in a mall...

You know, I couldn't quite place Joanie's speech pattern. At first, I thought it was drugs. Next, I thought it was her snaggle. Now I actually think she talks like she has a dick in her mouth. Must be her old pole-dancing days. Maybe she has lockjaw or TMJ or something. Whatever it is, the cause was definitely a penis. I'm never wrong about these things.

Can’t these fuckers just say “TAXI” which is emblazoned across the top of the tut-tut or whatever they were riding in? Also, a little note to Danielle: don’t try and work a monopoly analogy on a Thai man who doesn’t understand a goddamn word you are saying. Real smart. He can’t understand my pointing to the hotel on a map but maybe if I throw in an American board game allusion, maybe then I’ll make it on time. She might as well told him to pretend like he was in a Ford Mustang trying to get a burger before Johnny Rockets closed.

That was totally unfair when Danielle won the challenge but they wouldn’t give her the prize. That stunk to high heaven. Very funny when Danielle told Sarah to punch her in the face. I love that old gap-toothed-southie.

Joanie needs to get over goddamn Sarah copying her. Big fucking deal. MOVE ON Joanie. You know I am your biggest fan Joanie but enough is enough. But hey, I’m sure she is just stressed out so I forgive her.

THE COVERGIRL COMMERICALS

Let me just say that Nicole from last menstrual cycle is disgusting. DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR EYEBROWS. If you think you can survive in Hollywood with that kind of facial fur, take a look at how well Denise Richards is doing these days. Take a good look. But then again... Denise did get to be besties with Heather Locklear and then steal her hubbie, Richie Sambora ... I change my mind, work those brows, human-squirrel.

You know, I feel bad for Danielle since the judges are constantly on her accent. For a while, I defended her. However, in light of what I am about to describe, I can no longer have her back about this…

Tyra surprises the girl at their hotel room early in the morning. Danielle says, “I wake up and I see Tyra and now Tyra’s all in my clit.” This got me thinking. Maybe Tyra is in my clit. I took a look and didn’t see Tyra. I did see Jesus but that is another story. Anyway, I just figured out that Danielle meant to say “clique.” She really does need to work on her accent and I need to go tell the Vatican about this JC-clit business.

Tyra’s real mission was to reflect upon the tragic tsunami with the girls. Jade enlightened us to the fact that she is a “soldier.” They ended with a moment of silence as Tyra says, “Let us take a moment for the people who lost their lives, the people who lost their families, the people who lost their homes and most importantly, the model who lost her hips (Petra Nemkova).” The last part was cut out of the show but that is really what brought out the tears in these model-wannabes.

THE SHOOT

Joanie won my love back when she jumped up and down like a school girl (sucking a football player’s cock) when they learned Nigel would be their photographer.

When Jade was talking about how rocky the boat was in her confessional, her hair actually blended into her skin. It was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen. Wait, I just remembered Jade crumping.

THE ELIMINATION

T-bag is looking fat, isn’t she? I forgot though that she is a method actress in addition to supermodel so she is probably going to be teaching the girls a lesson about weight gain in the next episode.

Is it me or was that guest judge Disaya played by Diana, the weird fashion geek, from this past season of Project Runway? Glad to see she’s getting work.

When Tyra was discussing airbrushing (or at least that is what I thought she was talking about), she did an interesting thing where she showed her booty in real life and her booty in a photo. The weird thing about it, in addition to the whole discussion, was the fact that she implied they cut and paste her booty on her stomach in photos. Did that make sense to anyone else?

Loved Tyra smiling with her eyes. All her secret tricks are amazing and equally mind-baffling.

And then Sarah Plain and Mall was kicked off. I think that was the right choice. Even though I hate Jade, she at least deserved to beat Sarah out. Maybe, if the whole modeling thing doesn't work out for her, Sarah can get a job as Scarlett Johanson's extra tall and skinny body double.

THE FUTURE

How amazing would it be if Sarah goes back to real life and still can’t let the mall thing go and despite her family and boyfriend’s intervention, she decides to live at the mall and just walks around all day doing her “runway” walk, hoping to be discovered, and sleeping in tents set up as displays in the sporting goods store (just like those wacky Saved by the Bell kids did that one episode)?

CHRIS KICKED OFF IDOL

2006-05-11T09:03:00.000-04:00

Well, this was definitely a shocker. I guess there was both good news and bad news. The good news is that Elliot was in the top 2 (along with idiot ass-fuck Taylor) but the bad news is that Chris is gone (in the bottom 2 with Katharine).

I know I said the kid was boring me to tears but I definitely didn't want him voted off. I wanted a top three of Katharine, Elliot, and Chris.

When is America going to stop being retarded and kick Taylor off? I'm starting to get scared that he will be our next "Idol."

Back to business though... we had a nice audience sighting of Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn. At first I was all ready to make fun of them but then Rebecca was SO sweet with the idols. However, then she asked for an encore of Taylor's Jail House Rock. Now, I've put a hit on her. Be careful, Romijn.

I liked watching the idols bop around with old drugged-up Lisa Marie. There is something about these Presley women that I can't get enough of.

As far as the elimination goes, I have a couple of thoughts. I usually like when Seacrest gets all mean and kicks them off in like the worst way imaginable. I think it was the 2nd or 3rd season that he got really really mean with it. Then, I think people complained and he stopped for a while. For a pretty innocuous season Seacrest-kick-off-style, I thought what he did to Chris was really out of place and inappropriate. He was just mean about it. It would have been shock enough for Chris to be kicked off, Seacrest didn't have to dig in.

The look on Chris' face was really sad but he handled it like a man. McPhee looked like she shit her new designer jeans (which, by the way, were the same she wore on Tuesday night).

So, RIP Chris. It is probably better that you are kicked off now before you have to do gay shit on the finale night (think Justin and Kelly singing "It Takes Two"). You'll obviously succeed, my only hope is that you have more fans that Clay Aiken. Ugh, just typing his name gives me the willies. And, for all of the Chris fans out there, Chris may be gone but at least you won't have to see that plume-skunk-topped weirdo posing as Chris' mother/sister/family friend/crazy person.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 9th 2006

2006-05-09T22:04:00.001-04:00

First things first…. the question that is on all our minds: since when is Priscilla Presley a) goth, b) a vampire, and c) a zombie? Weird. And I’m sorry but Priscilla Presley does NOT watch American Idol. Despite her “convincing” delivery, the bitch don’t watch this shit. Maybe she watches Miami Ink or perhaps some reruns of Angel but definitely not Idol. I digress.

Our next guest star was Mr. Tommy Mottola himself. I like that they show a picture of him and Ex-Mrs. Mottola Maria Carey but don’t mention her when they list the singers he has catapulted into stardom. Interesting. Stupid actually. Like, we all know it.

ROUND 1

Taylor: He looked like a fucking fool. I’m sorry. And, also, did I notice a very slight Elvis hair pomp? Honestly though, here is what I liked about this performance: watching Taylor in all his glory was as if we were watching Elvis as if he were alive today, continuing down his road of weirdness and drugs and fat. Now, THAT was awesome. However, when Taylor did that weird kayaking motion with the mic, I vomited. And then ate that vomit and vomited again. I’m sorry, the truth has to be told somewhere and that is what happened.

Chris: Is it me or do Chris’ britches look a size too small? Read into that what you will. Also, Chris, if you were cool you wouldn’t know what your dumb and apparently very unclever fans call themselves. Overall, I guess I liked Chris fine.

Elliot: How goddamn cute is this little wigger? However… what was with his weird Teen Wolf III haircut in all the clips of him at Graceland? That was awkward. Next, I don’t appreciate how Tommy made that inappropriate comment about Jewish people to tiny baby jew-boy Yamin. I always knew that that old Mariah-fucker was an anti-sem.

And now it is time for…

Who Is The Ugliest Idol Ever?

Your choices are

1) Scott Savol and 2) Elliot Yamin

Now, remember: you cannot vote on fatness. Just pure ugliness. Who am I kidding, of course you can vote on fatness!! Vote away. Fat fat fat.

Katharine: Uh oh. I could tell by Tommy’s lascivious gaze as Katharine bopped about him during rehearsal that our sweet little McPhee just might be his new bride. Yes, Mariah 2.0 has arrived. Maybe he’ll put a trail car on her and condemn her to his compound. Eh, old hat. Kat’s performance was SLUTTY and I liked it. She was fun all bebopping and scatting about. I like her new designer jeans too. I will note that upon singing the lyric “itching like a girl on a fuzzy tree” she definitely scratched her baby-fupa. Again, the truth must come out. But good for her for fucking up and turning about and then acting like nothing happened. She is a good sport. I will say that she was being awfully weird when Ryan was reading out her numbers and she was a weird babbling-southern girl: “McPhaaaaaaaaaaaah, McPhaaavaaah.” Weird.

ROUND 2

Taylor: I liked this, I must say. I don’t understand why he spoke in the middle of the song though: “As the world…. TURNS.” That was weird but otherwise, it wasn’t that bad for this old windbag.

Chris: Was that thing posing as Chris’ mom a woman or a skunk-hat-fuck?

Anyway, again, I guess Chris was fine – I’m just kind of bored. It is still very cute how Chris looks all ugly and awkward every time he has to stand next to Ryan and “smile” into the camera.

Elliot: I LOVE HIM. I don’t want him to go, he is too cute. Because I have nothing bad or mean or hateful to say about him, I will focus on the band (who they feature a LOT during Elliot’s song - wonder why). There was a very weird bird-flu ridden Della Reese on meth on the violin… That is all I remember actually. Not bad.

Katharine: I really wanted this to be good and it was, in parts. Poor Katharine. Totally unfair to give in to the sausage fest and make these kids sing all Elvis songs. I’m a little surprised she showed her belly. But then again, she had a suit jacket on so how provocative can she really be?

AUDIENCE SIGHTINGS:

I spotted one Jeri Ryan with that fake kid every fucking celebrity uses. I’m surprised she is out and about. I would have thought she would have needed years of therapy after that senator-freak husband forced her to have sex all the time. Poor little tramp.

Nikko Smith: Whoa, now there is a celebrity. I can’t believe they got him to show. Oh wait, has Nikko ever been signed or done anything besides getting kicked off Idol twice? I’m sorry, I got him confused with an American Idol who was actually a success. No, not Fantasia (although she is starring in a Lifetime movie about her own self Meredithe-Baxter-Birney style). How will she learn the lines though? Maybe her 19 year old kid will feed them to her. Anyway, I was talking about Kelly Clarkson before. Man, I need to stop losing focus.

We had a nice showing by Lex Luther from Smallville. Hmm, I can honestly say I care as much about him as Nikko fucking Smith. However, notice they only show him for a split-second since he is not on a FOX show.

This week’s sightings SUCKED.

DAVID BLAINE DIDN'T DROWN

2006-05-09T12:54:00.000-04:00

Goddamn it. I was hoping to see David Blaine drown last night ... unfortunately, he neither drowned nor beat the world record for holding his breath underwater ... which is a total disappointment.

Frankly, I just don't understand why he HAD to be tied in by chains, why couldn't he just hold his breath for the longest amount of time ever? No, he had to be chained too. 10 bucks says sans chains he would have broken the record.

Note: While I was watching this moron pull out a girl's teeth, my friend came over and asked what I was doing. I told her I was watching David Blaine make magic. She said, "Dwayne Wayne, what?" This whole misunderstanding got me to thinking. I thought 1) my friend is an idiot and 2) how awesome would it be if Dwayne Wayne did magic tricks instead of this tool-bag David Blaine?

They both like cards...

SURREAL LIFE - Sunday May 7th, 2006

2006-05-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

Even dressed like a tramp,

this little lady knows exactly what to say

All in all, Flo’s Final Word was pretty uneventful. Everyone pretty much agreed with her or respected what she had to say which kinda stunk. I wanted them to argue with her. Most of what she said was dead on except for her saying ANYTHING bad about Sherman.

How gay is it though when she would like start by saying, "I want you to accept what I say with Love and Kindness." If someone said that to me, I would puke and then kill them and myself. And those charm necklaces were retarded ... accept for Andrea's which was an A, which in case you are dumb, retarded, hate Demi Moore or never took freshman english, is in fact THE Scarlet Letter. Very feisty Flo – I like your style.

Andrea is fucking annoying though. Like, Flo is right, you are a whore. You are. It's that simple. Everyone agreed to it too. You are not like doing rocket science ... you are doing everything short of fucking people for money ... and let's be real, that is soooo on your horizon.

AMERICAN IDOL COUPLE ALERT!

2006-05-05T15:25:00.000-04:00

Pickler and Constantine:

The Picklantine/Constickler

Omg, can it be true? Are Kellie Pickler and Constantine Maroulis really a couple? This is like a reality match made in heaven. Maybe he can get her a role on his ABC pilot ... AMAZING ... God their kids would be fucked up.

And if they're not together, Constantine, can you not molest Kellie? Hasn't she been through enough, with getting kicked off Idol and proably (let's be real) getting molested by her papa before he went to the big house?

FAREWELL DEAR DOPPLEGANGERS

2006-05-04T10:33:00.000-04:00

I'd like to pay homage to two dear dopplegangers who have given me much blog material over the last few months...

So, for the last time...

PARIS AND RUDY

FURONDA AND PRAYING MANTIS

ANTM - Wednesday May 3rd, 2006

2006-05-04T10:30:00.000-04:00

It goes without saying that Joanie was delightful and beautiful as always. How sweet was it when she learned the Thai dance moves so well and performed with her new toothy smile? Just adorable. But honestly, she should knwo better than to even try to talk to Jade about anything since that idiot can't handle any level of conversation.

Par Example, when Jade was talking about the elephant and how it was the ancestor of a fucking DINOSAUR ... omg, Jade, you are a fucking idiot. First off, Elephants are mammals ... second off, Dinosaurs are fucking reptiles. They are not related at all. Jade please grow a brain and a prettier face before you talk.

Joanie was so adorable with that elephant that I almost died. Cutest thing ever.

Sara is boring me to tears as always. Copying Joanie's elephant moves was terrible. She looked god-awful on that beast. She only survived because T-bags enjoyed her "acting,” which makes sense since T-bags taught her everything she knows (kindly remember T's dramatic pratfall from a few weeks back).

Furonda, on the other hand, looked like a fucking idiot this entire ep. I think she was physically crumping during the Thai dance ... and she full on admitted that she "couldn't retain any information" in that mantis head of hers. I'm glad to see this mega-bitch go. Good riddance. Why don't you go out, get drunk, take a guy back to your place, fuck him, and then rip off his head with your big mantis arms (that don't move when you walk)? Ew, remember when she like did her "signature" walk after she got the boot and EVERYONE laughed at her? That was awesome.

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday, May 3rd 2006

2006-05-04T09:55:00.000-04:00

THE RUNDOWN

- Chris is getting a little cocky me thinks

- Nanny looked absolutely behemoth next to little tiny baby Elliot, man is he tiny.

- Oh Paris. Princess P's accoutrements bothered me: a star, a princess crown, and a butterfly all on the same body. By the way, the "P" in "Princess P" stands for "Pussy" and Paris is going to make all her patients call her that when she fulfills her life-long gynecological dream .

- Did anyone see when the contestants departed to sing that TERRIBLE song (which I promptly fast-forwarded through) that Katharine went the wrong way and then had to scuttle back behind Ryan.

- Once the god-awful Jerry Lewis telethon number was over Ryan said to Paula, "Paula, you were the best judge last night. You are on top of your game." What does that mean? NOT drunk as a skunk but still drunk and dumb as a stump? (Say that three times in front of a mirror and Paula will appear and throw some prescription drugs at your face).

- Why was Paris' grandmother wearing a nurse shirt? Maybe she knew Paris was going home and wanted to show that she would assist her in her gynecological practice. Oh my god, that is so sweet.

BIG NEWS RE: PARIS' ANNOYING VOICE!
We learned, categorically, that PARIS IS A BIG GIANT FAKER. I've said it before, that baby voice is NOT REAL! A few times when she was talking to Ryan she slipped out of it and apparently her real voice is that of a giant MAN's. When she asked if she could put her gum in Ryan's hand, she spoke in a real man's voice and then when he offered his hand, she said "thank you" in that baby voice. It was crazy!

ELLIOT? WIGGER?
Do you think Elliot is like an old-school wigger in real life? Maybe it is just because of that god-awful pic they showed of him as a DJ but I don't know, I think he might be and I think Nanny is SCARED.

THE BOTTOM TWO: ELLIOT AND PARIS
While Elliot sang his bottom two celebratory number, Paula was going insane: bopping and female ejaculating about. Maybe it was magic because Elliot, thank the lord, is saved. Now Paris is gone… Sad? Disappointed? Some of us are but if you have an ailing vagina or an ear for good music, this was a god-send. PS: I love the clip of her hugging Stevie as Rudy Huxtable and then him saying, "I SEE a great future for her." Eeek. Too easy.

AUDIENCE SIGHTINGS: Thank GOD that Dave Navarro didn't denigrate himself and his reputation by joining Carmen Electra in the audience at American Idol. I mean hosting that terrible rip-off of "Making the Band" - "Rock Star" on CBS - is a bad enough, but making an appearance in the AUDIENCE of American Idol would be like cutting this guys balls off.

I also saw Justin Guarini who I will now cleverly refer to as White Justin looking so damn white. Next thing we know he'll be telling us he's straight and moving to Baran.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 2nd 2006

2006-05-03T08:47:00.000-04:00

First things first: Paula was sporting a new mop-top and Ryan was weirder than ever.

ROUND 1

Elliot: He said in his pre-performance clip that he couldn't be a hand model. Elliot, I hate to break it to you but you couldn't be a model... no need to put an adjective or descriptive noun in front of it. I still loved his performance though. I mean, that old gay Broadway song is pretty atrocious but I like Elliot so much it doesn't matter.

Paris: Eeew, she stunk. And then when Simon called her not only screechy but also annoying, she said, in her dumb baby voice, "I thank him." What? Why don't you just thank old JC, gain an elephant's body mass and call yourself Mandisa? Idiot Rudy.

Chris: He kept talking nonsense in his pre-performance clip. He said he was always a performer, always dressing up as a kid. Um, Chris, I hate to break it to you but come the 31st day of October, kids dress up - it is a national past time called Halloween. I could go into more details about this perennial event but I shouldn't have to. Fuck it, I might as well. On old Hallow's eve, the night goblins and demons get together and wreak...

Oh yeah, and Chris, you were dressed up like a vampire, not a superhero like you said. Again... Halloween... Give it a try, at least for your kids' sake.

Katharine: Dressed in bondage, Daddy McPhee must have liked that. Also, Ryan started telling everyone that Nanny had a wardrobe malfunction (btw - are people ever going to stop using that phrase as if it is cool and hip?) and then said something like, "People definitely went back on their systems to look at that." By "systems," do you mean TiVos or DVRs, Grandpa? Why don't you check that old canoodle of yours for a "cranial malfunction" you loser.

Taylor: All he did was bop around doing that chicken-leg-flap thing that John Travolta did when he walks down the bleachers in"Summer Nights" - check your systems, kids, if you don't know exactly what I'm talking about. I think it is when that dude (not Kenicky but the fat one) sings, "did you get very far?" Anyway, he kept doing that move and making me sick. And then there were those huge blue contraptions on his feet (I suppose you could call them shoes). Dear lord. I hate this kid. That laying on the ground bit at the end was too dumb for words.

ROUND 2

Elliot: Really, don't sing a song called "I wanna go home" because you've made it far too easy for America to makes this irony a reality (I kept that comment in because I wrote it BEFORE Simon said it, be assured). Simon and I are often on the same wavelength but my little gem was first. When Elliot finished his song, there was a bit of sprinting and laughing which I still don't get. Then somehow Paula got the joke nine minutes later and made a fool out of herself by laughing like a maniac. Then to top it off, she said something like "it made me melt" about Elliot's performance. Very interesting
the euphemisms some women will come up with for "female ejaculation."

BTW - I love how Elliot keeps ruining all of the Idol productions secrets ("I knew I was supposed to come over here at some point"). You mean, Idol is staged and things don't happen as magically as we think?

Paris: Stunk it up even worse than before. I think Rudy rapped once with her quick-mouthed friend Bud on The Cosby Show. The last note showed Paris sporting a bad case of sphincter-mouth. Not very attractive in my opinion. Sick. I hate this female eunuch.

Chris: Simon's "whoopee" comment after Paula's insight was hilarious. Then Chris tried to run like Elliot had but the humor was lost, as was his masculinity - the guy runs like a fairy princess.
As for his performance, I'm getting a little bored of him.

Katharine: Why was she humping the floor with her butt? I liked her basically throwing herself at those banjo guys. Box drums my ass, I saw and heard banjos. I do think Nanny went a little crazy here but her little sassy half-pint maneuvers worked. Brava, I loved it.

Taylor: A Beatles song, really? Not bad but also not fair. And more importantly, TAYLOR SAID FUCK! Everyone, git gathered round yer ole systems and list'n:

Ryan Seacrest: How did you feel?

Taylor Hicks: You know, I love the Beatles. Just to be able to sing a Beatles song right now... it thrills me. They were a great, great band... just fucking great.

I'm not even kidding, I watched it like 9 times on my system to be certain.
________________________________________________________

RYAN'S NICKNAMES: "Princess P" for Paris and "Yasmin the Machine." If we are just making up nicknames as we go along, Ryan, why don't you try Nancy Boy on for size?

AUDIENCE SITINGS: It was spartan in the land of terrible "celebrities" this week and all we got was former contestant Anthony Federov, the sick- fuck Ukranian known best for his ill-upbringing and trache scar.

And then there was Ace Young, coming out of retirement... you would think that a boy who misses the mountain so much would go the fuck back to them and stop showing his ugly mug.

BREAKING NEWS: PAULA & RYAN IN COUPLES THERAPY

2006-05-02T15:56:00.000-04:00

BREAKING NEWS
PAULA & RYAN IN COUPLES THERAPY
American Idol executives secretly bring in a counselor to help repair the relationship

They’re not married or dating, but Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest have started couples counseling! The two have been in a private war of words, and it got so bad that they completely stopped talking for more than three weeks. After their feud went public, American Idol executives secretly brought in a counselor to help repair their relationship. “Paula and Ryan were once good friends,” the insider says. “They started bickering last year and it finally escalated into a full-blown war.” According to the insider, producers held a closed-door meeting with Ryan, Paula and the counselor and told them, “Work it out.” The friend adds, “They still have issues and the counselor is coming back.”

What? No, seriously, WHAT? These two idiots are in couples counseling? And more importantly, who is this moron friend who says, "They still have issues and the counselor is coming back"? I hate to break it to everyone but the situation between Paula and Ryan is what we layperspms, humble as we are, call LIFE. Can this whole thing even be for real? Since it was reported by InTouch, is gossip, and involves celebrities I'm inclined to believe that it IS true.

Seriously, let's think about this. Let's say that there was some sort of closed door meeting at least. What could Ryan and Paula be involved in? I'll hazard a few guesses here:

1) Ryan dealt Paula some "tainted shit" and she was stupid enough to report it to the Executive Producer. He called them both in for a meeting where he solved the problem by telling Paula to stop using drugs and Ryan to stop dealing drugs.

2) The EP wanted to reunite Paula and Ryan with their illegitimate love child, one Suri Cruise.

3) Ryan had sex with Paula's boyfriend and she called him out on it.

4) In a drug-induced haze, Paula thought Ryan was her boyfriend and fucked him resulting in rape.

5) In a textbook case of bros before hoes, Ryan got pissy when Paula flirted with Simon since Ryan had whispered to her just the other night that he crushed on Simon.

FORMER 98 DEGREES MEMBER ARRESTED

2006-05-02T15:27:00.000-04:00

No, it's not Nick Lachey and no, it's not Drew Lachey, who we only remember for their forays into reality television, certainly not from 98 Degrees, but I digress ... Jeff Timmons, formerly of 98 Degrees, was busted on April 23rd for a DUI and driving without a license. Sadly enough this loser was with Mitch English the host of "The Daily Buzz" (yeah, I've never heard of it either) and on his own ARREST report it actually stated that he had a "98 Degrees tattoo on his right arm, how fucking embarrassing. So, so sad.

PICKLER'S DAD GETS RELEASED FROM THE SLAMMER

2006-05-01T18:29:00.000-04:00

Kellie Pickler's pops, Clyde, was released from Florida State Prison Today after serving a three-year sentence for stabbing a trailer-park neighbor in 2003. Fucking JESUS, little sweet Pickler's dad fucking STABBED a guy in a TRAILER PARK, FUCK!?

When asked what she was going to be doing the week her own father was released , Kellie said, "I'm gonna do Regis & Kelly, TRL and VH1 – all those cool shows that I never thought I would ever be on. I think I'm going to do Jay Leno and The Ellen DeGeneres Show, which is like my favorite show. I'm so excited to go and dance!" Um, Kellie, don't you want to see your father who has been in jail from 3 years? Curious priorities Kellie, very curious.

THE SURREAL LIFE - Sunday, April 30th 2006

2006-05-01T07:56:00.000-04:00

El Chupacabra strikes again but this time the victim/hero is Steve, standing up to tyrant Tawny. Well, actually "standing up to" is not really the phrase for what he did, more like "ripping a new one." That was awesome and Tawny totally deserved it. How many times was she going to ask who they could get on the keyboard? Something is wrong with her and I think it is more than a missing chrome. Either that, or she was HIGH as hell. Remember when she kept getting everyone's name wrong and actually called the huge transsexual, CC?

Poor CC, speaking of I'm still unsure why they didn't have him on the drums (his Poison forte), Steve as the lead singer (his Smashmouth forte), and Alexis as back-up (her Wedding Singer as "George" forte)but I know nothing about music so I'm sure it made sense.

Alexis was adorable playing the part of "petulant child" as she ripped down the set when she didn't get what she wanted. True, Tawny is a huge devil and shouldn't have asked to borrow your wig but still, the crux of the situation was that you didn't get what you wanted, Alexis. Oh well, I'm sure Flo will set you straight next week when she climbs atop the highest horse known to man.

Btw, is Andrea taking Tawny's meds too? Because her bitch fest about Flo in the hot tub with Maven was total bullshit. Andrea, I'm pretty sure ANY 70 year old woman you talk to is going to have a problem that you posing naked you fucking idiot.

Seriously, Tawny has to be retarded. If you don't believe me, allow an excerpt... this is Tawny trying to say the phrase "temper trantrum":

Tanter tentrum, tenter tantra, trent trant, fire ants, fire hose, tantrum tantric, trantric sex, sex on a plane, sex without protraction, tractor trailor, trailor park, trailor trash, tree swing, swingers, skip-to-my-loo.... whitesnake video.

Have you forgotten about this pic? I haven't.

L WORD SEASON 4 PREVIEW ... AND IT AIN'T PRETTY

2006-04-28T15:55:00.000-04:00

Just when we thought things could NOT get any worse on "The L Word":

Dana's dead, Shane leaves Carmen at the alter, Helena is broke, Tina is with a guy, Bette kidnapped her "own" kid, Kitt is still alive, Jenny is still avec le Tranny, and Alice is fucking Laura...

.... Season 4 rears it ugly head and fucks this show into the ground even harder.

Guess who Bette's love interest is going to be? Marlee Matlin. Yup, Marlee Matlin. That fucking deafie from "Children of a Lesser God" and "Hear No Evil." I mean, I do NOT have anything against deaf people, god bless them, and Marlee is a fantastic Oscar winning actress, but Marlee Matlin is fucking 40 and NOT CUTE AT ALL ... like why can't Bette catch a fucking break? Make her life harder, please. Not only is she bi-racial, a recent orphan, dumped, gay, fighting for custody for "her" kid, but now she has to date a deaf person. She doesn't even know sign language! Jesus Christ.

Look at this thing!

This has Betty written all over it. Well, Betty, I am going to give you your first lesson in sign language ...

This ....

... means "Fuck You."

WHO'S BOWLING RIGHT NOW?

2006-04-28T15:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, a little introduction to this new segment... one of my friends works at Bowlmor Lanes - that incredibly trashy bowling alley on University Place. She calls me frantically at least once a week to tell me of another celeb who is bowling. Last week was Jay Z and Method Man. The week before that was Uma Thurman (who apparently does not let her kids drink coke).

So, with that little preface, guess who is bowling today??

That would be BeBe Neuwirth. She is bowling right now (3:15pm.)

ROSIE GOING TO THE VIEW?

2006-04-28T10:12:00.000-04:00

" Mommy, look at the big retard lady"

Could this be true? Is Rosie O'Donnell replacing Meredith Vieira on "The View"? And if so, does that mean there will NOT be a sequel to the hard hitting made-for-TV movie starring Ro (as a retard) and Andy McDowell (as her impatient sister), "Riding the Bus with My Sister"?

"Mommy, look, another big fat retard"

Less importantly, can "The View" handle this butch lesbian? Elizabeth Hasselbeck, a staunch little republican, probs will not enjoy all the frank gay talk. Star Jones, a sassy black lawyer slash bible thumper who is married to a gay man, again, will probs not enjoy all the frank gay talk. Babs Walters is just too old to care about gays. Joy is going to be pissed that another "funny" (and i use that term loosely regarding both Rosie and Joy) lady is on the show. Frankly, that just does not add up to success to me. Unless of course, in a rogue move for daytime tv, Rosie decides to REPRISE her role as retard "Beth Simon" live daily on "The View." Now, that I would watch.

ANTM - Wednesday April 26, 2006

2006-04-27T11:45:00.000-04:00

I am honestly in love with Joannie. How sweet was she in trying to respect the culture? She was so worried about this that she even massaged Jade’s sick feet. Mad props to praying-mantis-apple-head Furonda for giving Nnenna the 1 finger treatment. Wrong finger though, Furonda. Back to Joannie though, I can’t believe she was about to vomit and still pulled off beautiful shots. What a trouper. What about when she kept commenting on her boobs popping out and how embrarrased she would be because she was already so "overexposed" in the Thai culture? So cute .... Seriously, do you think Joanie will marry me?

For once I agree with hateful Nnenna – she really didn’t have a chance in the mermaid competition without long, lustrous hair. She honestly looked like a shrimp, a physical black Bubba Gump shrimp one would pull out of the ocean. Not flattering for anyone. I’m surprised and delighted they kicked this old windbag off. She was so fucking pompous and annoying. Go play with your chemistry set you freak. Maybe you can create a cure for cancer or more importantly, a 12-hour foundation that really lives up to its promise.

Even though I'm glad that bitch is gone, Furonda has GOT to go next. While she might not be as evil as Nnenna, Furonda is just a dumb bitch, which is even worse, plus her face is sick looking. Be more of a diva bitch before you are even a super model.

Dare I say that sicky Jade is growing on me? No, I can't do it. That whole montage of her and Nnenna being besties totally made me sick and lost Jade all the points that her cute whitey mom from last week scored her. Plus her bleached-pubic-hair-head of hair isn't getting any better. Hilarious, when she called herself "proportionable" and kept contradicting her own self in front of the judges. Loved that.

Danielle was great this week, as always. So cute when she called herself cantankerous and then couldn't spell it right, fuck did I spell it right? Her gap remained mostly intact so I hope she is happy with her choice ... still cannot get over Joanie's new chompers. They are glorious. That dentist is like magic.

Sara, ugh, you are so boring and stupid. Like by saying that you are intelligent a thousand times doesn't SHOW that you are intelligent, actually it shows that you have no confidence and don't want to be a model and also, that you're stupid.

T-bag looked stupid with that weird flapper hair trying to speak Thai.

Twiggy was so cute. Remember when she said she was afraid of Jade and didn't want to be left in a room alone with her? God bless that Twig. She is a joy.

Editorial Note:
I wish ANTM would do something differently in the ending montage though. Maybe it was cool at the beginning of the show to airbrush the girl entirely out of the montage but I think that even with the UPN’s government cheese budget, they could come up with something a little more edgy. I think they should riff on whatever the last challenge was. For example, for this episode they could have all the girls costumed as mermaids in a net coming out of the water but shrimp Nnenna could be hanging on to the bottom of the net trying to go with the rest of the beautiful, cascading-hair mermaids.

AMERICAN IDOL – Wednesday, April 26th 2006

2006-04-27T10:03:00.000-04:00

RIP Picks

So Pickler is gone. I would not have predicted it but I guess charm can only get you so far. She was so gracious and dreamy in her little loser-acceptance speech. I could have listened to her talk for another half an hour and been more entertained than I was for the entirety of the results show.

The real question becomes, what is she going to do now? Many of you may be saying, “Don’t worry, she’ll have a sitcom in no time.” The problem with that is not the fact that she is not an actress because, let’s be real, that has never stopped anyone on TV or in the pictures. The real problem is that I don’t think scripted would work for her – I’d miss her spontaneity, self-deprecation and idiocy (wait, I just described “So NoTORIous”). Regardless, here are some venues I predict/hope Pickler will end up in:

1) Taking over Seacrest’s “job” as host of American Idol
2) Backstage “couch” correspondent for American Idol (since #1 will never happen)
3) Host of the TV Guide channel which has become usual stomping grounds for former Idol losers (none of whom could hold a candle to Picks)
4) Co-host of a new Idolesque show – think “So You Think You Can Dance?”
5) Turning tricks but in the sweetest way imaginable

My money is on #2. Yes, bold but that would be awesome. Pickler is too stupid to run a show but would be a great Dinkleman.

JANICE DICKINSON BACK ON THE SAUCE!

2006-04-26T13:19:00.000-04:00

God love her or God hate her. Janice Dickinson is back on the sauce. We all knew it was coming. I mean we saw The Surreal Life, and her appearances on ANTM recently, and it was clear, Janice is up to her old habits ... drinking heavily. God bless her, she has alot to be happy about with the new modeling agency and the Oxygen show, not to mention a new book, but Janice think about your kids ... oh fuck 'em, they are already screwed to high heaven and you're much funnier coke and booze fueled, anyway.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ GOES TO JAIL

2006-04-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

Michelle Rodriguez, aka Ana Lucia from "Lost," is such a fucking badass. After pleading guilty to drunk driving, this MANIAC has chosen to serve 5 days in jail INSTEAD of doing 240 hours of community service. That is fucking BADASS and tres "Ana Lucia" of her. Plus, it is a huge FUCK YOU to the People of Hawaii. She is basically saying, "Hey People of Hawaii, I'd rather get raped by butchies for five days than help you people out." Nice Michelle, very nice.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, April 25th 2006

2006-04-26T09:22:00.000-04:00

What a disappointment this entire show was. Everyone pretty much sucked and the entire show bored me to tears. The only redeeming parts were when that David Foster character mercilessly teased Old Cyclops Bocelli for being blind: “What color is her hair? How many fingers am I holding up? Can you see me? Can you see me?”

Katherine McPhee: Okay, honey, yellow is not your color. True, the boobs were looking good but your ass looked like all of Mandisa. Do you know how big that is? Simon was right, the song was just too much for you and the flailing arms did NOT help. The only redeemable moment was her peddy father crying as usual, thinking about molesting her day after day after day…

Elliot Yamin: Elliot is looking better and better these days. There is something very genuine about him that I quite love. He is like the opposite of Ace: Elliot is ugly, sweet, and real. Ace was by some standards, “hot,” but a pig-fuck and a fake-dick-loser. I missed seeing Elliot’s mom in the audience. I hope she is okay but then again, there are so many fatal diseases in this family (allergies and diabetes) that you never know what could have taken a hold of her. Elliot was great as always but am I the only one that thought his song was incredibly LOOOONG and boring? I swear to God that I shampooed my dog, gave a child a dental exam, and then manicured the hands of ten asian women I keep in my apartment. All that and Elliot was STILL singing. Oh well, at least I finished my chores for the night.

Also, did anyone notice Elliot’s major flub when he said that he had sung the song for the “Executive Producer Audition.” Um, Elliot, you aren’t supposed to mention that. We sheep are supposed to be under the impression that everyone auditions in front of the judges. Great, you’ve ruined it. I could almost hear Simon Fuller swearing up a storm from whatever chateau he has currently purchased with his AI dollars.

I quite enjoyed David Foster saying that Elliot was doing a lot of “Donnie licks” in reference to the original singer of Elliot's song. I’ve decided that that is the term I will henceforth apply to Paula’s retardism: she has a severe case of Donnielicks, not quite assbergers but very close. Perhaps Paula's case of Donnielicks is why her interactions with Seacrest are "awkward" (according to this week's People).

Speaking of the idiot, why was Paula crying like a crazy person? I almost didn’t realize it since I still had shampoo in my eyes from my dog-washing. I don’t buy it for a second though. After seeing those nifty tear-inducing sticks on America’s Next Top Model, I have my suspicions.

Kellie Pickler: Sweet, sweet Pickler. I have mixed feelings. It was kind of good, kind of terrible. I’m still unsure. That high note was strange but I secretly loved it. And I LOVED her pompadour hair style – that was awesome. Style-wise, her top half was cute while her bottom half was a pair of old black faded jeans which made her look like a dumpy, pregnant but skinny bowling pin. However, Kellie’s interviews continue to be her ace in the hole.

Paris Bennett: Eek, I hated Paris tonight. I think actually I just hate her in general now. And the song blew. I’d rather hear Tom Hanks sing it Big-style to his mom on the phone in that cubicle as he tries to convince her that he, Josh – both kidnapper and kidnapped – is ok. That rendition had more heart than this piece of junk.

Why was Rudy screaming so much? Was she thinking of when she reached puberty and no one cared about her so they brought in little Olivia (Raven Simone) to steal Bill’s love? Plus the baby retard was sneaking in her voice again on all the low notes – that little miscreant. I swear, you give a kid an extra chromosome and mayhem ensues. Also, I swear to God that Pickler must have rushed off stage, ripped off her dumpy jeans and given then to Paris to sport. Ugh.

Taylor Hicks: I think I forgot to include Taylor last week. That is all I have to say about him actually.

Chris Daughtry: I thought Chris was ok. Not like “great,” but ok. I couldn’t get over that jacket he was wearing though. It looked like something straight out of Melissa Etheridge’s closet. I don’t know who that is an insult against. Since Melissa is pretty much untouchable, I guess Chris.

Now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for…

AUDIENCE SITINGS!

Former contestant Scottie Stevens, or is it Stevie Scottins?, was looking just as strange as she did when she was on the show. She coyly waved to the camera, gave me the heebie jeebies and then disappeared (this time for good, let us pray).

That sass-bag faller, I mean “skater,” Sasha Cohen was pulling out the Idol support. Good show for her to be at since they all pretty much choked. It must be nice to have something in common.

Next up was the effervescent Joely Fisher with dirt-bag kid in tow.

Tori Spelling minus her dog was seated next to some kid and her new fiance who was coated in about 50 "I heart Tori" tattoos. Celebrity love is so real these days. I'm reminded fondly of Tom's "Kiss Me Kate" shitty airplane.

Here is where it gets interesting though… we see Sela Ward wearing some kind of head scarf next to her ostensible kid. Where have you seen that kid before do you ask? Well, he was there last week posing as Marilu Henner’s kid. Another mystery of Idol revealed tonight (see Elliot): Middle-aged celebs who want to go to Idol must have some kind of option where they get a fake kid to sit next to them posing as their child. Celebs! We don’t care if you love Idol but don’t have a kid to make it “alright” to be seen in the audience. Plus, note to Idol producers, this fake-kid slash Rory Culkin-look-a-like has been officially outed on this blog so stop using him. There must be some other brat you can give a few chocolate bars to who will sit next to the A-list.

__________________________________________________________________

CORRECTION: Since I wrote this post, someone has told me that Elliot's mom was in the audience tonight. Phew.

GO SEE THIS * Stick It **

2006-04-25T11:26:00.000-04:00

From the writer / producer of "Bring it On" comes the complete and total rip off "Stick It" ... While the premise, bad-ass girl (think Eliza Dushku from original) leads her high school gymnastics team to glory sounds awesome and I appreciate that they at least made the bad girl the focal point of this "Bring it On" reincarnation, there are a few things I've discovered about the writer/producer/director, Jessica Bendinger, that leave me to believe that it just might be a gigantic pile of shit.

For starters Bendinger, while she did write "Bring it On," also wrote these gems, "Aquamarine" (starring JoJo), "First Daughter" (starring pre-Tomkat, Katie Holmes), and "The Truth About Charlie," and produced "The Wedding Date". All of which I have to say were total suck-fests. Like god-awful. And why didn't she intervene and save Katie Holmes from being coming brainwashed and save JoJo from being a tiny whore?

Secondly, the star of "Stick It", Missy Peregrym, was in "Catwoman" with Halle Berry. Ew, this does not bode well for her acting abilities ... however, she was also in 1 ep. of "Tru Calling," with the rambunctious Miss Dushku, so hopefully she picked up something from her. Also, she is from Canada, which, it in a word, not great.

That all said, I think it should be quite excellent and I'm seeing a preview tonight so be prepared for me to rip this thing to shreds or sing its praises from the rooftops tomorrow...

LOOK AT THIS SICKNESS!

CHEERLEADER NATION

2006-04-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

This show is so fucking amazing, if you haven't already started watching it you must start NOW...plus the season finale is Friday, so it really is your last chance.

The cast of characters is, in a word, AMAZING. There are the 2 coaches and the about 20 cheerleaders plus a half dozen idiot parents.

THE COACHES

Saleem: Saleem is, at first look, at total gaylord ... I mean he is the choreographer for the Dunbar High School Cheerleading Squad,which holds the National Championship in CHEERLEADING. Quite gay. On top of that he also is "roommates" with another High School cheerleading choreographer. Very suspicious... However, upon further scrutiny, Saleem is not a gay but a damn pervert. First off, he is a bit too affectionate with Chelsea, the trash whore of the squad, and upon a quick internet search I found the following quote on a myspace page ...
"Saleem ____ is not gay, he's just an asshole: Saleem messed around with his UKentucky girls."
Apparently, Saleem is not gay, just an asshole with a dash of pedophilia. Phew!

Donna: Oh, Donna. Basically she is the head coach of this group of misfits, but pretty much doesn't do a damn thing. For example, one entire practice all she did was paint her nails. She gives the girls no direction at all and then when they fuck up she goes fucking psychotic on them and berates them. It's amazing. Also, Donna can you fucking leave Ryan (her daughter who also on the team, see below) and her boyfriend alone for one god damn minute? You are like a total weirdo stalker. BTW, is your husband Ryan's dad or not? Because it's completely unclear. Mike is chyroned "Donna's Husband" and then all the sudden “Ryan’s Dad" comes into the picture and it makes no damn sense.

THE GIRLS

Ah! Where to start? Let's begin with pigfat Ashley. Oh this little piggie is such a fat-fuck-loser-pig. She is one of those specimens I have declared a “piguman” or a “humanig” –half oinker, half homo sapian. Firstly, she has no friends to speak of. Secondly, she is absolutely the fattest girl on the team with a smush face pig nose. She compenstates her hideous looks by wearing a disgusting amount of make-up and on top of that she is dating a clearly GAY boy. I must say the saddest thing about watching High Schoolers on reality TV is the large amount of fatty-bo-batty teen girls dating gayer-than-the-day-is-long boys. Did I mention she was real fat? And piglike? Well she is.

Let's move on to Megan and Alexa. These two are quite a delightful pair of sisters. Megan is a senior and is constantly getting depressed about many things: among them high school coming to an end and her pretty-from-far-away-but-ugly-up-close face. Alexa is her very sassy younger sister, who has a serious case of "middle child syndrome.” Oh yeah, their Mom actually doesn't even know that Alexa is alive because they have an adorable and precocious younger sister Sophie, who is always bopping around the house. Probably the best description of Alexa and Megan's relationship can be seen in the below conversation (and keep in mind that Alexa is YOUNGER than Megan and Megan is a SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL):

Alexa: What are you going to wear under it?
[Asking Megan about what she
will wear under her gown at graduation]
Megan: A dress.
Alexa: You should wear
your birthday suit. [laughs]
Megan/Alexa: [laugh]
Megan: Birthday suit ... ha ha ...
Megan: [abruptly stops laughing] “What's my
‘birthday suit"?
Alexa: You’re kidding right?
Megan: ... no.
Alexa: "Birthday suit. "
Megan: What is a "birthday suit?" [makes quotation marks gesture]
Alexa: It means you are naked.
Megan: Oh, haha... [laughter apruptly stops again]. Why is it called a birthday suit?
Alexa: Are you serious?
Megan: Yeah.
Alexa: I'm not even going to tell you.

Alexa is younger and Megan is a SENIOR! I can't get over it. All in all though, these two truly love each other.

Then there is, Ryan, whose idiot mother, Donna, is the head coach. What's fantastic about Ryan is she is the best cheerleader on the team and doesn't give a shit at all. She is just an amazing athlete who does cheerleading. She isn't all obnoxious and cheerleady but she is clearly the best. God bless her for putting up with her idiot mother. Ryan is also a total trooper, competing in Nationals with a badly sprained ankle.

The biggest whore on the team is Chelsea, who is probably fucking old Saleem,. Chelsea is a complete slut and she treats her biker mother like shit. Plus she is completely deluded. She goes, "I'm really close to my father, I see him about once every two months" ... Um Chelsea, he only lives like 2 hours away, that means you’re not very close at all. Ok? Poor thing, go suck another dick. Seriously, she is going to be knocked up in about 3 months.

Chelsea's bestie is this other little piggie Nicole. Nicole is pretty god awful, I have to say. She dates a complete dickhead who, while she clearly deserves it, makes fun of Chelsea non-stop. Like Nicole, can you just stick up for your low-self-esteemed friend for a minute?

The team has one baby hooker, freshman Amanda. She is not that bright (on failing Spanish, "I don't speak Spanish. I'm English.") and clearly wants to bone as many guys as possible (her mother knows it and had an awkward convo with Amanda about "her promise to herself"). Amazing.

Then we have the hardest little worker on the entire team, Ayrica. Poor poor Ayrica. Her parents are fucking devils and put her to work every day, feeding and changing her infant sisters before she goes to school in the morning. She is a modern day Marla Gibbs only the people she serves are her OWN PARENTS. Seriously, she is the house keeper and nanny for her two lazy ass parents who think it is more important that they BOTH go to a nine year old's soccer game then their 18 year old daughter’s Cheerleading competition. Sad.

Katie, the senior soccer player turned cheerleader, is just a damn dream. I still don't understand how she learned how to do all those flips and shit when she had never cheered before, but goddamn it, she is good. Probs has a crush on Megan though, right?

Last but not least is Kaitlin. Who, like Ryan, is just a good cheerleader who is completely chill about the WHOLE thing. She loves it, is good at it, but isn't a complete idiot whore (See Chelsea). Or a pig (See Ashley). Or a bigass cry baby (See Megan). She is a delight. Plus she is performing with a busted finger and hasn't complained at all.

THE PARENTS

OMG. These parents are fucking retarded. ALL of them.

Ayrica’s Dad, Eric is a total douche. He literally is a damn slave driver. Like, can you just let Ayrica be a teenager and not a surrogate MOTHER for her own siblings? It's fucking ridiculous.

Amanda's Mom is a fucking idiot. That "sex" conversation was terrible. Telling your daughter to "keep her promise to herself" is stupid, fucking talk to her about SEX. Also, don't let your kid go tanning and say something dumb like, "Well, we don't know if tanning is bad for your skin," because we actually DO know and it is BAD. Be stupider. Also, your little speech about the parents of the team being important was bullshit. You're not important. It's actually your kids who are performing not you.

Kaitlin's Mom is so overbearing its scary. Can you just let Kaitlin and the team alone? Just for one minute. Like the whole thing with the seniors gifts, let it go lady. The coaches had it under control BACK OFF.

Chelsea's Mom is the only redeemable parent of the bunch. I mean clearly she is a biker dyke, but god love her, she is just trying to talk to this idiot Chelsea who will not give her the time of day.

If this doesn't whet your appetite I truly don't know what would. The show is amazing and I adore it.

These lucky biddies even got to hang out with Ashley Parker Angel!

ANTM - Wednesday April 19th, 2006

2006-04-24T13:17:00.000-04:00

First off, JOANIE is amazing. Completely amazing and I am in love with her. Could she been any sweeter and more adorable? I don't think so. Thank god she got rid of that snaggle...but watching that shit was sick...we did NOT need to see that.

Second off, HOW amazing was it when Jade won the competition and chose Nnenna to share the reward which was her boyfriend JOHN in a box? She could not have hated it more. Like Nnenna had a look of COMPLETE and utter disgust when John popped out of that box ... I don't blame her, even if she didn't already completely HATE him, he is the ugliest thing known to man. John, how old are you? Because your weird gross mustache thing makes you look like those losers in high school who like tried to grow a stache before they could and just looked like fucking pedophiles. Remember those? Ah. That was glorious though. I love seeing Nnenna's real bitch side come out. It's awesome. And please, you really thought the UPN was going to fly your sister in from fucking AFRICA? Not likely. Maybe once they merge with the WB, they’ll splurge but not now Nnenns.

Also, thank god Jade’s whitie mom “fluffed” her down and gave her all that good chi. It really helped in the eliminations where, for once, Jade almost didn’t deserve to be in the bottom two. I’m sure that stupid dumb shit you did while you whizzed your hands over her face pretty much pushed her right into the bottom 2. Great job Mama J.

Third off, Danielle is a damn dream as always. It was pretty shitty of T-Bags and co. for giving Danielle shit for not closing her gap. Like you preach about these idiot models having character and then force them to change their looks so they look like everyone else. The snaggle I get. That shit was just as bad as Hester’s scarlet letter but Danielle’s gap is not bad at all – kind of cute actually.

Fourth off, Brooke should not have gone home. That sick fuck terrible model fake scarlet johanson should have gone home. It was awesome when Twiggy called Brooke "animalistic.” Just call her a “lionface” cause that's what you meant.

THE SURREAL LIFE - Sunday April 24, 2006

2006-04-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

Ok, before we get to the good stuff (The "Flo"down), let's recap these other morons:

Maven and Steve: They were surprisingly charismatic in their little segment. Kudos.

Andrea: Andrea was terrible and it was awesome how much the females DESPISED her. The real star of course was Bridge the Midge with all her crazy egg-anus stories. God love you, you little LP. Also, how long do we think until Andrea stars doing porn? I give her about 2 months.

Sherman : Where did that come from? He was so entertaining. Who knew he did more than eat and sleep? He should do more than eat and sleep more often because I fell in love with that old soul. And the guest appearance from Marla Gibbs was a delight. Who was that poor woman in the white khaki suit that came up on stage with her? That was weird. She didn't say a word and just stood there while Marla sassed Sherman out.

CC: I was so happy for this old alky. He did such a wonderful job although I do question his style: plain black T shirt? Like, that isn't even "rock." That is like, nerd graduate from Rensaleer Polytechnic Institute. Regardless, so happy that he won and beat the drink. So cute.

The FloDown: I was a little anxious to see this because it seemed that I had dreamed about it for so long and I was scared it would be a letdown. But it wasn't. Flo held her own with grace, dignity, and aplomb. She is such a pro, nun-love and all. What an angel. Tawny on the other hand was out of control. First of all, the joke about Tiger Woods was not only derivative but also really OLD (like Tawny). Like who even cares anymore? I've heard that "joke" so many times, I couldn't believe she did that. Also, let's be real, Chris Rock making the joke is funny but where does a stupid, middle-aged, has-been WHITE woman get off making that joke? Tawny you are a racist idiot bitch. Awesome job, Camera 1, in getting a close-up of the Asian man in the audience right after her joke fell flat. What a slut. God, Tawny was insane and made no sense. Like why would you, an old wretch, attack a popular and loved TV icon in front of a live audience? I predict The Surreal Life 7 housemate Osama attacking slash interviewing Mother Teresa… Can't be much worse than this.

ACE WAS CLONED AND GIVEN A LETHAL SHOT OF ELEPHANTITIS

2006-04-21T16:57:00.000-04:00

Oh wait, that is just a pic of him and his brother.

They are sickening. I mean this guy was scary in the audience but LOOK at him in PERSON next to ACE ... SCARY.

JESUS ... Seriously, someone tell me if he has elephantitis.

INCEST ON LOST *** Shannon and Boone are a REAL LIFE ITEM

2006-04-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

That's right the onscreen incest of Boone and Shannon , our favorite dearly departed brother-sister fucking team from Lost, was SO hot that Ian Somerhalder and Maggie Grace are ACTUALLY dating in real life ... Ian and Maggie are DIRTY for taking the sister and brother action off screen, just dirty ... I like it ... There is just something really creepy about that and reminicent of 2 Skating with Celebrities stars that will go unnamed here (unless you really want to know and then click here) ... Sayid must be SO jealous, but Barbara Hershey must be RELIEVED - that one love child is quite enough, poor Babs.

JANICE DICKINSON OPENS MODELING AGENCY

2006-04-20T16:25:00.000-04:00

OMG this is a dream come true...Janice Dickinson is opening a MODELING AGENCY and launching her OWN reality show...Truly this is a blessed blessed day (with Ace being kicked out last night and all).

She is so going to get drunk and screw all the guy models...and probably the girls too.

OH, also, Janice Dickinson Models has a MYSPACE PROFILE...amazing.

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday April 19, 2006

2006-04-20T11:29:00.000-04:00

Thank you sweet baby lord Jesus...Ace, the spawn of falsetto, is finally dead. I knew that weird slick-back would be the end of it...did anyone else notice his cromagnon brother go crazy for him at the end, I have to admit I'll miss that idiot in the audience, looking perverted every week, at least we still have Mr. McPhee.

TUNE IN ALERT Tiara Girls

2006-04-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

MTV has done it ONCE again with Tiara Girls, which premieres tonight at 10:30PM, I just know it...I mean its teen girls competing in beauty pageants, with their PSYCHOTIC mothers pratically sticking their fingers down their daughter's throats...amazing.

The previews look awesome...a fairly pretty slash trashy girl says to her mom, "can I eat this donut," the mom looks at her and scoffs a bit before saying, "sure, but its the ONLY THING YOU'LL BE EATING ALL DAY."

AMAZING. GIVE ME MORE PLEASE.

If only Jon Benet were still alive. She and old Patsy would have ROCKED in the reality world...

R.I.P

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, April 18, 2006

2006-04-18T22:32:00.000-04:00

Rod Stewart: What a loveable rocker. I'll be honest in that I don't see the difference between Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart (seriously, when I try to picture either one, I get a blurred image of a face that is a combination of the two) but I love you both. What delightful, fun, and supportive guest characters.

Chris: I actually really liked Chris but back to basics. Was he wearing a tucked in ascot? That brings me back to when Taylor played that tucked-in weenie game with himself.

Paris: Again, I actually quite liked Paris/Rudy tonight. However, let's be real, this performance was known back in the early 90s as "Rudy's First Interview." Paris couldn't even sit in the chair pre-performance for fear of getting a crease in her suit before her 3:00pm meeting with the investors.

And now let's take a stroll down memory lane with Paris and her mom. Picture it: Paris is a rambunctous 5 year old, onesy-attired, getting ready for bed. Mrs. Bennett tucks little Paris in and pulls the covers up to her tiny baby chin.

Paris: Mommy, if I could have anything in the world, would you give it to me?
Mrs. Bennett: Of course honey. What is it you want? A clay vagina that you can pretend to heal?
Paris: No, mommy. Its not that. I got that last year. If I could have anything in the world, it would be for me and you to speak in baby voices for the rest of our lives.

Now we are ripped through time and crash into the present with these two idiots running amock with their helium-coated baby-talk crap. Give up the act Bennetts! We know it isn't real! Sir Isaac Newton taught us the Laws of Physics and the first law is that an object that can sing in a normal voice cannot possibly have the speaking voice of a munchkin.

Kellie: Kellie really fucking stunk. The song was the pits and her singing, rhythm, movement (feet stuck in cement) were atrocious. However, somehow I love her more for owning up to it like the woman she is, even if she was abandoned by a felon father.

Elliot: He is so cute and sweet. I loved him; I think he is great. And I adored Mama E's sassy and stylish chapeau.

Taylor: All I have to say is: Taylor, you sing a lot of repetitive songs. Taylor, you sing a lot of repetitive songs. repetitive. repetitive.... songs.

Ace: I don't even know where to start. I will say that you gave me an urge I've never had before. When they zoomed into your body, face and hair right before commercial, I actually wanted to rape myself. Oh yeah, and you sounded like an idiot when you sang that terrible song. I hate you.

Nanny McPhee: What a dream. She is heaven... and not only an Angel of Music as the great Lloyd-Webber would say but also a more powerful angel, one with insane-gay-turning powers. Hence Paula saying in a heated bout of new-found lesbianism: "I just fell in love with your essence." I haven't heard such unabashed sexual innuendo since Kat's father spoke about his daughter last week. Then Paula described Nanny as "eleguine." A master of words this little devil.

And its time for everyone's favorite part of the show... ITS AUDIENCE SITINGS!

In one corner we have Marilu Henner so happy for the spotlight that she has virtually forgotten about her ugly kid and in the other corner we have Mimi Rogers (formerly of ToMimi fame) in the same outfit as her 40 years younger and 40 lbs heavier brat-clan.

In between doing Oprah impersonations and... well, doing more Oprah impersonations, we have the great comedienne Debra Wilson hooting and hollering for the Idols. Ms. Wilson has been a fan of the Idol for years and she is just as excited as when she learned that Justin Guarini was of fucking age.

Michael Rappaport looking fat and content: less with the Idols and more so with the fact that Natasha Lyonne is once again in rehab (read: there is no fear of this little hell-cat trashing yet another apartment with her crack and her needles and her acting.)

LaToya London looking better than she did when we saw her last year as Idol Finale correspondent (with a pink boa wrapped about her neck and in a full-blown inebriated stupor).

TOMKAT HAS KITTEN - a girl kitten named SURI

2006-04-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

Tomkat has given birth to a girl, Suri...yeah, SURI, what the fuck?

I just looked Suri up in the Offical Book of Scientological Baby Names and apparently it means: "daughter of gay actor and brainwashed idiot"...beautiful, I think it fits baby Suri perfectly.

Also, Suri goes perfectly with her half-brother and sister's names, Isabella and Connor. Hope the next kid is named Dmitri. That would really round out the group.

In other news, first one to have sex with Suri Cruise inherits my large estate.

LUKE PERRY SEEKS RESTRAINING ORDER

2006-04-18T15:53:00.000-04:00

According to TMZ... Luke Perry and family have been harrassed by a woman with a "history of psychiatric issues."

Hey Luke, you could have been a little more discrete in your description of this alleged harrasser..."history of psychiatric issues?" ....

It's quite obvious to me from that description that Luke's harrasser is none other than former co-star, Shannen Doherty. Next thing you know he'll be saying that his "harasser's" alter ego's name is Laverne*.

Am I right or am I right? I'm right...

* For those of you who were not devout 9-0 viewers, Laverne was that saucy semi-Brenda-alter-ego Peach Pit Waitress played by none other than SDK (the ‘K’ is for Killer)

It's only a matter of time...

FERGIE AND JOSH DUHAMEL - Preggers?

2006-04-18T12:11:00.000-04:00

Could a shotgun wedding a la Maggie and Peter be in the works for Fergie and Josh Duhamel? I hope so. Luckily for Fergie, unlike the immaculately conceived TomKat - who can just touch a box of pregnancy tests to make them turn blue - I bet Fergie could find out by simply taking a pregnancy test and rubbing it on her pee-soaked crotch.

Also, Fergie is in fucking "Poseidon," the remake of the classic "The Poseidon Adventure"...can you believe that shit? It's okay though, in an interesting twist her character winds up drowning in her own urine.

Btw, how the hell did this little rat from Kids Incorporated #1 learn to sing #2 join a hip hop group like The Black Eyed Peas, #3 ever think its ok to be a white girl from Kids Incorporated and braid your hair and #4 land hottie Josh Duhamel?

SURREAL LIFE 6 - EPISODE 4

2006-04-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

OMG, Tawny Kitaen is a GOD DAMN DEVIL, actually she's not even a devil, she's just a complete and total idiot, oh, and don't forget a fucking loser.

Tawny, why are you trying to"take down" Florence Henderson? It makes no sense to have a vendetta against her in the first place. It's not FLO's fault that you are a complete fuck-up on live TV; she simply asked you a question about that weathervane, or watervane as you so gracefully called it. She wasn't trying to “throw you a curve ball,” she was trying to TALK TO YOU and do her job you ugly old moron... And also, just because Flo didn't want to disrespect nuns (she was actually was quite nice about the whole thing), doesn’t mean she is a bitch. It means you are a bitch. I don’t even think Lucifer himself would do a shoot with you and your big fast nasty-ass botoxed face all dressed up in a habit.

It was sort of great when Tawny wanted to give Flo some hard hitting "shocking" questions and asked Mrs. Brady when she lost her virginity and Flo was completely unphased and just said, "On my wedding night to my first husband.” Well played Flo very very well played. Even the producer who was there helping them with their segments told Tawny that "Flo is pretty open," and she really wasn't going to "break" any news with her segment.

Personally, I cannot wait for next week when Flo turns the tables on Tawny and exposes her YET again as the idiot she is, wait, Flo won't even need to do anything, Tawny will obviously CHOKE since she is going to be LIVE in front of an audience.

Alexis was wonderful as always, calling the entire Arquette family to be her guests, god bless her.

Steve was actually quite sad this week. I feel sort of bad for that old alcoholic Smashmouther after he started talking about his dead son.

Sherman...oh Sherman...just keep doing what you do best, sleeping and eating.

Andrea...I'm bored of your average looking face.

Maven, keep up the good work (aka: being normal and nice to everyone).

TOM CRUISE ON PRIMETIME

2006-04-15T13:12:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise is a fucking maniac. This interview was SO fucking creepy...he is such a damn FREAK SHOW.

However, I think the most important thing that came out of this interview was Tom’s elaborate and heart-warming description of Katie Holmes:

"She loves cupcakes...She love to laugh"

That's ALL he said about her. Well, other than that dumb shit about her scientological tongue and being worried that she was going to bite it off on a motorcycle. (btw – remind me again why he is taking a pregnant lady on a motorcycle).

Also, let’s talk about when he said to 50+ Diane Sawyer, "She's exactly like you." What? That doesn’t even make sense.

Tom is obviously lying through his big chunky teeth this entire interview (i.e., like when he said that Katie's parents were FINE with her being a scientologist, please) but what was even worse than his fucking dirty lying was that terribly fake and planned email exchange between Tom and Katie. Three words: psychotic, gay and terrible.

Speaking of gay, Sawyer described him as a "sensitive child": is that code for GAY? I think so.

Let’s not forget the crazy-person moment when Tom started laughing uncontrollably when Sawyer rightfully asked him if he had achieved Operating Level Thetan 7 (the highest weirdness achievement allowed in Scientology). This interview is getting so weird that I don’t think I can watch the rest. However, I will both applaud and reprimand Diane Sawyer for actually letting this insane person fly her around in a fucking RINKADINK PLANE! She has either lost her mind or has achieved Operating Level Thetan 7 and we don’t know about it.

***Note to all readers, after a series of Dianetic tests, trust falls and a sufficient amount of auditing, I will henceforth be operating on Level 19P Giorgytick***

THE REAL WORLD - Tuesday April 11th, 2006

2006-04-14T09:47:00.000-04:00

I have to applaud the MTV Casting department for their work on The Real World: Key West. I mean, I think they have encapsulated all everything you want in one ENTIRE cast in PAULA. She is annorexic, bulimic, neurotic, bitchy, emotional, has an abusive boyfriend, is estranged from her family and a little bit gay. Does she have fake tits? Cause that would actually make her the amalgam of all women that should be on a Real World cast...Seriously, we don't even need Fitz or that other girl who seems to be living with the Key Westers, but never gets any airtime (hence I don't even know her name).

Ok, so there is one thing I don't get. If John was really wanting some "female contact" as he was saying, how come he never fucked that girl he brought home with him? She obviously would have done just about anything short of beastiality with him, however he never quite sealed the deal. And are we going to have another outing with Jose? Like, why wouldn't he go skinning dipping with that hoochie? If that had been MJ or Landon they would have been fucking that girl in the pool.

I also must applaud MTV for busting out Paula's casting tape, where she admits to some girl on girl action, this late in the season. They could have told us right off the bat, but showing us now with the preview of next week (john accusing Paula of being a dyke and stealing all his girls) was amazingly well-played. Well done.

All in all this season is really shaping up after a slow start.

TOMKAT * TUNE IN ALERT *

2006-04-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow night, Friday April14th, Diane Sawyer, brave lady that she is, will interview Tom Cruise on Primetime. Is this guy crazy? Everytime he has an interview he makes more and more of an ass of himself. Need I remind you? Jumping like a lunatic on the coach on Oprah, telling Matt Lauer that kids don't need ADD drugs and that mom's like Brooke Shields don't need drugs to battle post-partum depression...This time he has the audacity to have the interview in an airplane hanger with a big plane in the background that says "Kiss Me Kate" on the nose...is he fucking psychotic? Ugh, TOMKAT is disgusting.

Here is a little pic of Tom in the sick "Kiss Me Kate" plane...get a LIFE.

AMERICAN IDOL: THE RESULTS – Wednesday, April 12th 2006

2006-04-13T09:47:00.000-04:00

An hour is way too long with these dolts but I must admit that this 1 hour long crap-fest was awesome in many little ways.

I loved watching those clips of the hometowns and the families. It is so amazing to see where all these hillbillies, save our privilaged Nanny, come from.

Kellie: Her grandfather is awfully sweet as is her mute and half-retarded brother but I was waiting in eager anticipation for them to cut via live satellite to Kellie’s father’s jail cell. I’m picturing a tiny little cell with the obligatory toilet and sink in the corner but decorated to the gills with semi-pornographic stills of Kellie on Idol – you know what I’m talking about (her little down on her knees hump and maybe her little wink too). I picture her father looking much like the unibomber or at least Will Ferrel’s portrayal of him and wearing an orange jumpsuit with some soft Queen playing in the background. You’ve disappointed me Idol.

Elliot: This whole clip sequence blew me away. First of all, when Elliot’s mom told us of his many ailments (allergies and diabetes), I thought to myself, “HOW IS THIS KID STILL ALIVE? A MEDICAL MARVEL THIS ELLIOT IS. Think about it… allergies (which meant that he couldn’t follow everyone’s childhood dream of being a gardner) and then, on top of that intense malaise, he has diabetes? Type I or Type II? Not that it matters because this little fighter has become my own adult-sized Baby Jessica. In all seriousness though, Elliot’s mom is so sweet that she brought me to tears but then I realized I was drunk and had thrown my beer in my own face when I saw Paula.

Ace: Dear lord. He was the worst. Did anyone notice how when he said, in his “sincere” tone, “I miss the mountains?” that time almost stopped? It was so forced and puke-inciting. I will give it to Ace, he quickly recovered by remembering how well Elliot’s I-miss-playing-basketball comment went over and immediately backpedeled: “and uh, oh, I miss playing football with my brothers.” Well done Ace, no one noticed a thing. You’ve grown into our hearts. Much like a teratoma but still attached to us nonetheless.

Katharine: I still love her but I have to say something that a lot of you are not going to like. I’ll preface it by saying that her father just might be Mr. Belvedere, that should warm you up. However, Kat’s father was so awkward in his little interview that I couldn’t help but think “Oh my god, he raped her.” Maybe I just have a sick mind but I have sixth sense for these things. And then all his weird crying just confused me more. Here is what I pictured and may Mandisa bless me in Jesus’ name once again:

McFather: “I miss her. I miss mctouching her and mcmolesting her. She just takes my breath away… When she felates me, it just takes my breath away… and then I cry afterwards. She cries during but I always cry afterwards.” (cry, cry, cry).

I’m sorry, that is what I thought. My Mandisa who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…

Paris: Was Paris’ mom Tempest Bledsoe? However, just when I thought my mind was completely blown, the biggest news of the night both shocks and delights me… PARIS LOVES VAGINA! She loves looking at it, she loves touching it, and most of all (tear)… she loves healing it. Forget what I’ve said for the past two weeks about ruining your relationship with Dr. Huxtable. Having a second physician in the family is all the atonement required. Welcome back Rudy.

I’d like to commemorate something that happened last night which has thus far been unprecedented: with that whole dirty rag bit, Ryan Seacrest was truly funny for a whole 20 seconds. It is true and I know you laughed and then felt dirty afterwards, much like myself. Let’s all own it. It happened, we have to move on.

Audience “Sitings”: Who is Sam Moore? Have we actually traveled farther into infamy than Cam-Man? Also, who was the idiot that used their guest audience passes on Will Makar? Shoot this person immediately.

ANTM - Wednesday April 13, 2006

2006-04-13T08:49:00.000-04:00

Can you believe that the Brittenum twins from Idol have bounced back so quickly? I mean I knew they could sing but I had no idea that they could "swirl" and "twirl". They really are reality show whores though, aren't they?

JADE: Her hair is looking worse and worse by the minute. When she was crumping she looked about 10 times more ridiculous than those midget crumpers who were dressed like CLOWNS. I almost puked when she won the Church fashion show, which was retarded, but then eralized it was only because her ugly yellow puff was under wraps. I mean all she did was SPIN down the runway, that was not GOOD, it was fucking god awful

BROOKE: Finally someone, other than her boyfriend of course, saw that Nnenna really is a bit evil. It was a bit ridiuclous that she felt soooo bad for calling her a "fucking bitch" though, like it's not the end of the world, Nnenna is a fucking bitch. How stupid was it when Brooke is yelling at Nnenna about the phone and goes, "You're a chemist. You should understand how phones work!!" Well played.

NNENNA: Speaking of our favorite African chemist...how hilarious was it when she tried to do that slow spin on the runway and she completely choked? Ah, that was glorious. She is getting way bitchier too. It's great.

FURONDA: This preying mantis is so ugly, not too mention way to skinny, how does she continue to stay in the competition? She is sickness incarnate. Also, how many times can the judges tell you, "your right arm is paralyzed when you walk", until you FINALLY start moving that dumb ARM. ugh.

JOANIE: Joanie is delightful in every way. She was ROBBED of the church fashion show, robbed. That little snaggle-toothed monster could have used 25 grand to fix those chops. Speaking of which, I cannot watch next week's show, because if they seriously show Joanie having her snaggle ripped out, I WILL vomit. Also, they are calling the espisode, "The one with the girl who has surgery" or something retarded, like getting some extra snaggle teeth removed is not the same as getting a boob job.

DANIELLE: Danielle is also a damn dream. I love her. How cute was she when Jay asked her if she could dance and she was like, "Everybody at home calls me white girl." She is terrific though, even with that little tooth gap. I also quite enjoyed that she doned a v. preppy little outfit during the eliminations. Not bad.

SARA: Ugh. You big bean pole. You're boring me with your long retarded legs and Scarlett Johanson face. Ugh. Just quit.

LESLIE: Oh, sweet sweet Leslie. I can't say anything bad about you. You had a great personality and took nice pictures....however, you were the worst walker on the face of the earth. Yeah, actually, that was pathetic. You were terrible.

T-BAGS: I have to admit, usually when you are esposing your modeling tips (making the same "Fierce Face", stomping around like a damn idiot), I think, "wow, this idiot is a super model, that is scary", however, you sort of impressed me last night when you did that full slow spin on the catwalk. That was pretty decent. My only question is, when on earth is that ever used at a fashion show? You really wouldn't. Still cool though.

BIG BROTHER - ALL STARS *** Could this dream be a reality?

2006-04-12T11:13:00.000-04:00

BRING KAYSAR BACK

I've just read that the rumors of a "Big Brother - All Stars" edition might in fact be true...The possibilities are endless and a complete dream...Ok, basically I don't care who CBS brings back as long as Kaysar and Janelle are there.

Remember how amazing it was on Big Brother 6 when America voted and Cappy's ass was sent home AGAIN, and those gay-ass friendship losers Maggie and Ivette were so confused and devastated? Amazing. This was only to be topped when America got to ask the house guests a bunch of questions and they KEPT asking Maggie, "How'd you lose ALL the weight?" and she obviously had no idea she was such a Fatty?

I wonder if they will reunite Julie Chen with her old face...

We'll see boys. Or you'll pack.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday April 11, 2006

2006-04-11T21:30:00.001-04:00

Bucky: Randy called Bucky "Buggie" twice. Just want that on the record. Otherwise, I have mixed emotions about Buggie – I want him off the show but I kind of love him at the same time.

Ace: First things first. The wardrobe. Ok: an Apache necklace and BAGGIE leather pants? Is that entirely necessary? I’m surprised he didn’t top it off with an authentic dashiki. Secondly, it was awesome when Queen kept telling Ace off. How many times are you going to ask if they will gay up the song for you and have them aggressively decline? You charm no one, Ace. And you ruined a perfectly good song. Actually “We Will Rock You” is only good for ball games but still, you didn’t have to rape it. Sicko. Also, Ace, I wanted to let you in on a little secret: real rockers don’t awkwardly stomp around the stage like Sasquatch in a pumpkin patch.

Kellie: Kellie started her pre-performance clip by saying, "I first heard Queen when I was a little girl. My father would listen to them." Well, Kellie, your father is in jail now. The big house. People don't come back from the big house the same way they went in, you know that right?

Regardless of her Prisoned Papa, Kellie was amazing tonight. I loved it all. Everything, the opening, the boots, the weird bopping around. It was awesome. Simon calling her brave was really just that old bloke's way of saying "a fucking idiot.” You really can’t be brave if you have no idea what the words “risk” or even “hard song” actually mean. Or that “on paper” she looked like a big pile of shit trying to sing this song. Oh Kellie. I love you. You are so stupid… wait, not to mention a dirty little liar. Now that I think about it, she claimed that she couldn’t understand what Simon was saying because of his accent but in reality she pretty much repeated exactly what he said back to him so… Kellie, just be dumb, don’t blame it on accents please. God bless this moron.

Chris: I think Paula said it best when she said:

Chris, I mean, that last night was what, I mean, what did you do a high c note? The reason why the band probably never performed probably is probably don’t want to and only you probably could and there have been many times that you’ve superseded even when the band performs, that’s why you should look back at the package and watch how they admiration over performance. [whale clap, whale clap].

We really should talk about Chris’ different-every-week facial hair. It brings me back to my childhood days when I loved playing with that toy that basically is a bald guy’s face whereby through the power of magnetism, child naivete and a nifty little pen you could drag iron filaments resembling facial hair over the face. You could make the guy have a bald head but really bushy eyebrows, a handlebar mustache, and a scraggly beard. Hmmm, I pretty much described Chris didn’t I? Well, with the exception of the handlebar which I now boldly predict he will have next week. Hopefully the American Idol stylist will use her magnetic pen wisely.

Katharine: Did she have shoulder pads on? Again, I am whizzed back to my childhood days of going to the sock hop and stopping for a soda and fries at the drive thru Burger Palace where all the waitresses sing to you and are on rollerskates. And now John Travolta’s mom is there… And now I am just describing Grease. I agree that Nanny picked the right song but there were moments that were terrible and moments that were amazing. All together, pretty mediocre.

Elliot: I love Elliot. He just grows on me more and more. My only problem with him is an aesthetic problem and one which Elliot himself understands. If you don’t know what I’m talking about already, here is an excerpt from Elliot’s InTouch Magazine interview. When asked about his style on the show, Elliot simply said "We get dressed better as the show goes on but I wish someone would fix my teeth.” Exactly. (btw – was that a white Mandisa or Elliot in that old photo they showed of him as a DJ?)

Paris: Pre-performance clip: “Being up there on that stage was the best experience of my life” (Rudy 2006). Um, excuse me “Paris” but HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU WORKED WITH THE GREAT BILL COSBY? So fucking ungrateful these Hollywood kids. And we wonder why they turn to meth (yes, I’m talking about you Stephanie Tanner). Let’s be real though – Paris stunk. She was half dominatrix, half prostitute, half monster which for all you mathmeticians out there equals 150% Post-Puberty-Rudy-Huxtable. They must have injected a 40 year old homely woman into her in the last 48 hours. That is the only plausible explanation for this train wreck.

Ryan: is he trying to be funny by asking who is drunk every night? Like, really? WHO is drunk? Maybe I’m drunk and imagining he actually continues to ask this.

And it's time for...

AUDIENCE SITINGS!

Doth my eyes decieve me or did I see Marlee Matlin in the audience tonight? Yes, American Idol LIVE* is the perfect arena for a deaf woman.
Camryn Manhein: Ugh, Cam-man. Fine if the deaf actress can be at the show, I guess the ugly fattress can too.

Fantasia: Well, we can't stop here. If the deaf and untalented fat are allowed to be here, I guess we can lift the embargo on illiterate unwed teenage mothers (who despite having won American Idol, still haven't sold any records except to my idiot friend who bought it and then never listened to it).

*Live denotes a performance where the acts are showcased as they happen without the use of editing, audio controls or CLOSED CAPTIONING, MARLEE MATLIN!

SHOTGUN WEDDING FOR MAGGIE AND PETER

2006-04-11T13:38:00.000-04:00

Guess who's going to be an Uncle?

It's nice to know that Hollywood isn't so far removed from the rest of the world, isn't it? Proving that point are Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard who are saying that they are engaged and pregnant in one fell swoop. Brava. Unwed mothers around the Country applaude you both!

Still, if I was Jake Gyllenhaal, I would probably kick Sarsgaard's creepy ass for knocking up my sister.

1000 VIEWS EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

2006-04-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

Today marks the 1000th view of this little blog. So in honor of all you readers we wanted to give something back to you.

First of all, many thanks for reading, enjoying, and even hating this blog. Your comments, be they nice, mean, hilarious, or even retarded, are always appreciated.

By an act of chance or perhaps JC, the 1000th viewing of the blog happens to coincide with The Second Annual Stink Pink Day (for those of you who are not familiar, don't worry you will be informed in a posting shortly). In the grand tradition of Stink Pink we invite all of our readers to please participate today...the best Stink Pink from a reader of Flip Kicks and Night Bellows will be awarded the coveted Stink Pink Surprise Gift.

As a partial reward for reading this blog I now present you with a picture of the Arquette family...with a pre-tranny Alexis...if that is not gift enough for you, Stink Pink your heart out later today...

REICHEN TAKES IT UP THE BASS

2006-04-11T11:13:00.000-04:00

I knew that Lance Bass was a tool bag...but I didn't know that he likes BOYS...Perez is reporting that Lance and Reichen from "Amazing Race" have been house hunting and like to vakay together in Cabo...how sweet. Remember when Lance wanted to go to the Moon? What an idiot.

JACK IS NEVER GONNA DIE - "24" NEWS

2006-04-10T14:25:00.000-04:00

All you "24" fans out there can go ahead and thank Kiefer Sutherland for effectively ruining this season and the next 3 seasons, by announcing today that he signed on a $40 million deal to be Jack Bauer until 2009. (Jesus, that is a lot of terrorist plots to come up with.) Kiefer must be back on the sauce since you would think that he wouldn't want us to know that Jack will live through the next 3 seasons...hopefully Kim will bite the big one soon.

GWYNETH GIVES BIRTH TO....

2006-04-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

MOSES Martin

That's right, MOSES. And we thought Apple Martin had it rough...this poor kid is going to have to suffer through commandment jokes his whole life. Jeez. Gwyneth and Chris Martin you have really disapointed me. I really thought you would use MORE care when naming your child this time around, instead of LESS. I mean, Moses?

Click here for more

THE VIEW - PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE

2006-04-10T11:35:00.000-04:00

Look at this old fat cat

Last weeks announcements about Katie Couric leaving the Today show for the CBS Evening News and Meredith Vieira leaving The View for the Today show took me on a rollercoaster of emotions. First, I was saddened that that old teethy maggee Couric wouldn't be on the Today show anymore. Then I was elated by the fact that Vieira would be replacing her...

THEN, I experienced a high like no other: The Daily News reported that ABC was actually going to give that old pig Star Jones the BOOT. Oh yeah, apparently ABC was sick of that old slimmed down porker and was woo-ing other peops to take her place...

... but NOW because of the Vieira/Couric situation, the Star-subsitute will replace Vieira instead...UGH, DEVESTATING NEWS...

Now, not only is Star STAYING but they might replace old Mer with Patricia Heaton, that terrible old lippo-ed bitch from Everyone Loves Raymond. UGH. Can you imagine Patricia Heaton and Star Jones every day? No WAY am I watching that.

Other contenders are Soledad O'Brien from CNN, who is delightful; Mimi Rogers, who is awfully old but was married to Tom Cruise once so that gives her a lot of credibilty as a talk show host; and Connie Chung, who I quite like, but seems too smart for The View.

Ugh, just the fact that we were SO close to getting Star OUT but didn't make it is depressing. I'm mad at you, Katie and Meredith, you've fucked us over real good this time.

SO NOTORIOUS - Sunday April 9, 2006

2006-04-09T20:32:00.000-04:00

"So NoTORIous" and Tori Spelling are in concept, simply genius, however, after watching 3 epsiodes, and fully enjoying them, I'm still left wanting MORE. The self-deprecating references are amazing, but they are a bit TOO obvious, easy and generally all over the place. I would like the show to add some subtlety. Allow me to suggest a few ways:

1. Tori has a nightmare about a burgler in her house so she goes to the mansion for the night. Her mother has just bought a new dog named Danger. Not wanting to sleep alone, Tori says to her mother, "Mother, may I sleep with Danger?"

2. Gabrielle Carteras guest stars as a 90 year old homeless woman, because let's be real, if Tori is going to play herself, shouldn't Gabrielle?

3. Tori, after being pushed down a flight of stairs by guest star Jamie Walters, wakes up with a concussion believing that she is in fact, Donna Martin. She tries to get all her friends to go to the Peach Pit After Dark because The Flaming Lips are appearing, flaunts her virginity, gets into a mermaid dress for Prom, and goes to Beverly Hills High to demand airtime on the radio show.

4. On a new reality show, "Battle of the Hollywood Siblings," Tori and Randy Spelling take on Jason and Justine Bateman.

5. One episode features Tori being stalked by a flock of parrots. At the end of the ep, Tori finally comes face to face with the parrot that "bit" her nose in 1994 only to realize it's an apparition, a figment of her imagination. The guilt consumes her and she finally holds a press conference to admit that she had a nose job (and a boob job, botox injections, and a very dangerous Double-Rib-Removal operation). She only leaves out her horse-face-implant procedure.

SURREAL LIFE - Sunday April 9, 2006

2006-04-09T14:21:00.000-04:00

First off, Maven is a dream. An absolute dream. Let that be said.

Secondly, Tawny is the SPAWN of Satan and just about the biggest idiot I have ever seen in the history of Reality Television (yes, even dumber than Tonya from Real World Chicago and more of an idiot than Cappy-loving-Ivette from Big Brother 6). Why does she have a VENDETTA out for Flo? She is just about the sweetest person on the face of the earth. And Tawny, she did NOT "throw you a curve ball" when she asked you a question about the "water" vane, as you would call the WEATHER VANE you were reporting about...

Thirdly, Alexis is still the best ever. I thought it was quite cute when she changed into a suit to be the Executive Producer of the show. San Louis Obisbo was pretty awful to her in general with all the "Shim" shout outs, but it was so cute to see little Maven and Flo and even that whore Andrea, support their favorite Tranny. Maven was so adorable, it actually makes me want to watch whatever sort of wrestling he does.

Fourthly, Sherman is a damn nightmare. I feel bad for the casting directors who probably thought he would at least be like "old and conservative" or "firey and opinonated" instead they just got a mute, constantly-eating, sometimes-passing out, freak of nature. He was abismal as the weather man, sorry I mean "water" man (thank you Tawny).

Fifthly, (is fifthly a word?) CC was so GOOD. I was so proud of that little leech. Good for him for leaving when everyone else was boozing. You were such a good little sportscaster though. Seriously. Did anyone else notice that Steve tried to like gain sympathy from viewers so he jumped on the I-am-a-rock-star-with-a-history-of-drinking bandwagon and left? No one cares. I hate you and Smashmouth more and more each ep. You are a loser and not to mention, gained the LBs by the second.

Seventhly, Andrea, you are not even that PRETTY, or SEXY. Like those pics of you in the intro are just "ok" and look like they came from KMART's portrait shop. Granted, you are a terrific drunken reporter though. I have to give you that.

Eighthly, I cannot wait to see the "Flo-Down" between, you guessed it, Flo and Tawny next week. Tawny, WHY DO YOU HAVE A BEEF WITH MRS. BRADY? It's so stupid and uncomfortable. Just die.

Props to this season of The Surreal Life though - I don't think there has ever been a show with two trannies. I wonder what Tawny looked like as a man. Send pics.

YO MAMMA - MTV

2006-04-08T18:55:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen this monstrosity? Why does everyone from "That 70s Show" think that they one have any talent and two deserve a TV show (Laura Prepon, I have not forgotten your poker show)....anyway...the ep. that i saw today featured CJay, the big fat black guy with pork rinds in his bed...that was sickening...also, does Wilmer Valderama REALLY think he deserves to be called BIG WILL? Like you are 4.5 lbs and about 2 ft. tall. What the fuck? Anyway, this show is terrible. like awful. With going to see the opponent's house and getting MO or AMMO (I can't tell which Wilmer is saying) to use against the other guy...ridiculous...and like how many neighborhoods in L.A. are there that will have "Yo Mamma" contests?

This show is ludacris...and stupid.

Ok, to be honest... I kind of like it.

MORE DISTURBING NEWS

2006-04-07T14:21:00.000-04:00

Yet again, another reader of Flipkicks and Nightbellows has typed in something tres fucked up into GOOGLE SEARCH and found out site...This time they typed in...

" alexis arquette" " turned on"

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly love Alexis Arquette, but there is one thing that she doesn't do to me or any human being on this plan and that is turn anyone on. Again, feel free to comment.

THE OC – Thursday, April 6th, 2006

2006-04-07T13:31:00.000-04:00

Basically a ton of shit happened in tonight’s episode that makes no sense. I just didn’t buy it (even though I do realize somewhere deep down that these characters are not real.) But, I’m not asking for real, I’m asking for simple time-tested character consistency.

Seth and Lying: Ok, I could take Seth lying about not going to his Brown interview. It was kind of sweet that he couldn’t face Summer and thought it would be easier just to lie. I mean, yes, he’d eventually have to explain it but by that time he could have made something else up or rescheduled the interview and Summer never would have known. However, to lie not only to your girlfriend but also to your parents about getting into Brown University makes NO sense. First of all, those idiots are going to find out like immediately. Why don’t you just lie to someone’s face about having a second nose on your face? (Also, just speaking from personal experience, Brown University only does Alumni "informational" interviews, so they don't even count...take that Josh Schwartz)

Secondly, are we to believe that Sandy and Kirsten wouldn’t have wanted to see the acceptance letter? And thirdly, why does Dr. Roberts root around in the trash? That last part was less about Seth and lying and more about why in the world a doctor would root around in his own rubbish. I wish that Marissa had been so depressed after receiving her ACCEPTANCE letter that she threw her own self in the trash and then Dr. Roberts could say to Julie, while she sips a mint julep, “Julie, it is time to be real. You need to talk to Marissa. I found this in the trash.” And then he pulls out Marissa from his lap and sits her on the table and she looks all coked out and terrible. Then they keep talking about her as if she isn’t there. Ok, enough about that. Back to the issue at hand, are we really supposed to believe this Seth-lying-about-getting-into-Brown garbage? Next week Seth tells everyone he is a black man.

The Break-Ups: Did Seth and Summer break up? Cause that was the dumbest break-up in history. I don’t even know what they were really talking about or who broke up with who. Was it just for redundancy’s sake that Summer said “its over” or did she actually break up with him. I’m confused and apathetic to the whole stupid situation (see “Seth and Lying” above). Too bad that Sadie had to break up with Ryan but oh well. The worst inconsistency with this whole thing was not these two idiots acting like they were married but the writers of The OC expecting me to believe that Sadie makes jewelry for a living. Oh but throwing in that stupid stand and having her say “I just finished working” added all the credibility in the world.

The College Sweat Shirt Beach Party: Are we supposed to believe that these idiots all magically obtained sweatshirts from the schools they supposedly got into like 3 days ago? So dumb. Note: Ryan looked gay in that hoodless, 80s sweatshirt from Berkeley.

Speaking of gay, did anyone notice Volchek use the term “gay” in the same sense we all did in about 4th grade (and who am I kidding, today too)? He said that the sweatshirt party sounded “gay.” I could hear like fifty million homos across the nation gasp. Yes, he said it and I applaud the writers for having him do so. Gays need to understand that shit can be gay without making anal sex with an LP (that can stand for either “Life Partner” or male “Little Person” depending on your preferences). See? I don’t discriminate.

IDOL ALERT * MANDISA HATES GAYS*

2006-04-07T12:11:00.000-04:00

That's right, our good friend Manfatty hates GAYS....

According to TMZ.com, Mandisa is #1 a big fan of anti-gay author Beth Moore and #2 on the March 28th show, when Mandisa sang that god-awful god song, "Wanna Praise You," she actually SAID before she began...""This song goes out to everyone who wants to be free. Your addiction, lifestyle, or situation may be big, but God is bigger!"

Manfatty hates GAYS! I hope that dude who likes to masturbate to Mandisa and Hurley doesn't get turned off by this.

Poor Clay, now he'll never get out of the closet.

LONG LIVE THE TODAY SHOW

2006-04-06T15:07:00.000-04:00

Well played Jeff Zucker and NBC, well played indeed!

How did you know that the person I love MORE than Katie Couric is MEREDITH VIEIRA!

I mean you didn't play this particularly close to your chest, since just about every news source has said in the last week that Meredith Vieira would be taking Katie's co-anchor spot on Today.

Seriously though, Mer must be PSYCHED to move to Today where she can talk OPENLY to her co-workers about their GASTRIC BYPASS surgery...unless Star wants to come clean some time before September...

STAR'S LIPS ARE SEALED...

AL on the other hand loves birds and loves to talk about stomach stapling...

Oh, and don't fret, Mer will be up for all sorts of shananigans for Halloween, here she is (far Left) with the Cast of The View on a Halloween (circa '97, i'm thinking, they look very "BattleField Earth")

ANTM - Wenesday April 5, 2006

2006-04-06T14:09:00.000-04:00

First of all...That whole "dramatic fall" actually being Tyra was RETARDED...Not for tnothing, Tyra was pretty convincing, I was impressed, but if they really wanted to fool either the girls of the at home viewers, why not have a producer run in there and take old T-Bag's pulse? That would have sold it to me.

Jade: Wow, she is PURE evil, like unadulturated evil and it's easily documented. Even Furonda, who is herself a crazy bitch, noticed. At least she was GOD AWFUL in the commercial, like terrible. so bad. And her brillo pad hair do looks SICK. especially when she straightens it. ugh.

Nnenna: Um, hate to break it to you but you hate your boyfriend. Like hate him. Just dump him, he is whinney and terrible. Not to mention a total loser dork. I do love the way the UPN keeps running the footage of Nnenna kissing that other model (which was like for point 2 seconds, btw)...like UPN nothing happened. This is NO Shandi fucking an Italian dude and calling her BF to tell him, this is Nnenna the no-nonsense "i think i will hate you when i see you again" telling her punk ass whitey magee chemistry nerd BF to get a grip.

Mollie Sue: That was a TRAVESTY, Mollie Sue, a DAMN travesty. Thank you for calling those aholes out on kicking you out. UPN obviously only is keeping Jade cause she is a maniac idiot.

I still miss sex face.

DISTURBING NEWS

2006-04-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

Just thought I should share this disturbing news with the readers of Flipkicks and Nightbellows, someone came across this little site by typing THIS into GOOGLE SEARCH

mandisa hurley masturbate

that is just wrong. feel free to comment.

PROJECT RUNWAY UPDATE * Emmett's New Store*

2006-04-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

Good old Emmett McCarthy, from Season 2 of Project Runway, has just opened a new store in NoLita...called, EMc2...how cute...

What I distinctly remember about Emmett was that he had no experience in designing and making women's clothing...so, I'm curious to see what kinds of crap HE actually made for this store...(However, The NY Times reports that there will be earrings from Diana Eng and clothes from Kara Janx, and that is reason enough to go.)

EW...THIS LOOKS LIKE SICKNESS

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday, April 5th 2006

2006-04-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

Peace be with you Mandisa and Chin: I have to say that when they announced that Mandisa would be going home, I felt pretty bad for calling her “ManFatty” and always saying something like, “She look big tonight” or “That is one big lady.” But then Mandisa blessed me in the name of Jesus and all my sins were washed away.

RIP "TODAY SHOW"

2006-04-05T12:13:00.000-04:00

It's been a good run, but seriously, Today Show, do you really think you will survive with out Le Katie Couric?

Cause you won't....who else would stay cute and bubbly covered in Pigeons?

Who else could dress up like Donald Trump for Halloween?

Seriously though, I hope she goes to CBS Evening news and starts pulling this shit there. that would be sweet.

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday April 4, 2006

2006-04-04T20:26:00.001-04:00

Taylor: Did Taylor even perform? And I used to take quite a liking to that old dumb “mountain mama” song, oh well.

Mandisa: She look BIIIIIGGGG tonight. That's all I can remember.

Elliot: Is it possible that this Neanderthal will WIN American idol? I love him!

Paris: Hmm, it may just be me but I don't remember Rudy Huxtable ever sporting a pirate frock, not even when she climbed into that refrigerator and almost died. Oh, wait, that was Cherry on Punky Brewster. Regardless, Paris the Swashbuckler reined free tonight and I’m wishing someone would stuff her in a refrigerator. Back to the basics though: pirate costume? Leanne Rimes song? I don’t see the connection. Also, can someone flash her a cue card that the word is “live” and not “leave.” “How do I live without you…” A baby retard was also sneaking into her voice again – every time she sings even a tiny bit in that low range, I hear that little punk.

Ace: Kenny Rogers was HITTING on Ace, you know he was. Did a poodle die on Ace's head? Oh no, oh no, I’m liking Ace right now – he sounds okay. Wait a second, there it is, the falsetto… and we’re back. I hate this fuck. If your signature (Paula, it isn’t that hard to pronounce) is your falsetto, then why don’t you just become a woman? Trannies are very "in" right now. Ace’s signature (God, Paula, it really is easy) falsetto is like if Katharine “Nanny” McPhee’s signature was when her dick came out and sang the refrain for each song. Just be a woman Ace! Also, FOX, can you please stop showing Ace’s sickly looking older brother – the man clearly has full-blown AIDS.

Kelly: Where did she get those titters? I ain't never seen dem before. Fancy.

Chris: First off, thanks for finally getting some new facial hair that was normal....secondly, you were awesome.

Katharine: Does anyone remember that skit from SNL, "Tiny Elvis?” It was so stupid. I still don't get it. Do you? Does Katharine Mcphee?

Bucky: Correct me if I’m wrong but this is what I heard:

The snail went sailing way. In a warm embrace of the sky. Now I’m here to say, love can be so boring. Love is quite the same. I just say you're rained out. It’s not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. Don’t want me bad. You’re just the best I ever had. And it might take some time to patch up my velvet suit. I’m not finding to you were always right. [sit on the edge of the stage]. It’s not so bad. You’re only the best I ever had.

Even if your velvet suit needs patching up Bucky, I liked it.

Randy: Who poured red paint shit all over you? And when you're done judging, can you please go park my fucking car already?

RYAN COMMENT OF THE NIGHT:
Ryan: "For sure someone at the table has a flask, I know it.” Yes, Ryan, it’s Paula. Don’t be stupid.

IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT:
This is a shout out to CHRIS ROCK... Hi Chris, don't think I didn't see you and your kid in the audience. NICE TRY. I saw you there. You old sell-out...

Whoopi, I'm not shocked to see you, you sold out years ago on a little show I like to call Sell-Out-Washed-Up-Far-From-Hollywood Squares.

BRITNEY AND LPS CONTINUED

2006-04-04T16:29:00.000-04:00

It was previously reported here that Britney Spears "liked" to hang out with little people (LPs)...well, as it turns out, those LPs were NOT guests at Kevin Federline's party BUT THE HIRED HELP...NICE BRIT BRIT...real nice...

Apparently, 2 little lady LPs were hired to dress as a miniature Sonny and Cher, to carry out K. Fed's birthday cake... Click here for more

Let's take another look at the photo, shall we...

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY MUST BE STOPPED

2006-04-04T16:09:00.000-04:00

Is no female on the One Tree Hill set safe?

First old CMM marries Sophia Bush for about 5 minutes or months...

Now, CMM is engaged to an 18 year old member of the crew (read "extra") Kenzie Dalton, and apparently this barely legal broad is PREGGERS...

Nice CMM, very nice.

(btw, does anyone watch this show? How is it possible that it's still on?)

FlipKicks & NightBellows

TARA REID COMES CLEAN

TORI SPELLING IS PREGGERS

SCREECH LIKES ANAL

RETURN OF "THE COREYS"

DANCING WITH THE STARS PREVIEW

BREAKING UP WITH SHANNEN DOHERTY

FLIP'S QUIPS

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE | TOP TEN

Friendster Quote of the Day

NATASHA LYONNE IS ALIVE - and preggers

REAL WORLD'S PAULA ARRESTED

AL ROKER: ADDING SOCCER GURU TO HIS LONG LIST OF TRICKS

THE CLOODLE QUESTION

WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE DIE?

BREAKING NEWS: BARBARA V. STAR, ROUND 1

KATHARINE MCPHEE IS BULIMIC

SALUTE YOUR GRANOLA-HEAD

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

PIGUMAN RETRACTION ALERT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY KATE AND ASHLEY

BECKY CONNOR WON'T BE FRIENDSTERS WITH ME

JODI SWEETIN ALERT

L WORD SEASON 4 PREVIEW: PART II

TOM CRUISE HAS HIS CLAWS IN KATHARINE MCPHEE!

QUENCH YOUR POST IDOL BLUES HERE

SINCE WHEN...

PIGUMAN OF THE WEEK

AMERICAN IDOL FINALE - Wednesday, May 24th 2006

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 23rd 2006

EVEN IDIOTS CAN USE GOOGLE

RASCAL RODRIQUEZ IS AT IT AGAIN

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday May 17, 2006

ANTM FINALE - Wednesday May 17, 2006

BREAKING NEWS *** NEW "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" HOST

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 16th 2006

PIGUMAN OF THE WEEK

ANTM - Wednesday May 10th 2006

CHRIS KICKED OFF IDOL

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 9th 2006

DAVID BLAINE DIDN'T DROWN

SURREAL LIFE - Sunday May 7th, 2006

AMERICAN IDOL COUPLE ALERT!

FAREWELL DEAR DOPPLEGANGERS

ANTM - Wednesday May 3rd, 2006

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday, May 3rd 2006

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, May 2nd 2006

BREAKING NEWS: PAULA & RYAN IN COUPLES THERAPY

FORMER 98 DEGREES MEMBER ARRESTED

PICKLER'S DAD GETS RELEASED FROM THE SLAMMER

THE SURREAL LIFE - Sunday, April 30th 2006

L WORD SEASON 4 PREVIEW ... AND IT AIN'T PRETTY

WHO'S BOWLING RIGHT NOW?

ROSIE GOING TO THE VIEW?

ANTM - Wednesday April 26, 2006

AMERICAN IDOL – Wednesday, April 26th 2006

JANICE DICKINSON BACK ON THE SAUCE!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ GOES TO JAIL

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, April 25th 2006

GO SEE THIS *** Stick It ****

CHEERLEADER NATION

ANTM - Wednesday April 19th, 2006

THE SURREAL LIFE - Sunday April 24, 2006

ACE WAS CLONED AND GIVEN A LETHAL SHOT OF ELEPHANTITIS

INCEST ON LOST *** Shannon and Boone are a REAL LIFE ITEM

JANICE DICKINSON OPENS MODELING AGENCY

AMERICAN IDOL - Wednesday April 19, 2006

TUNE IN ALERT ***Tiara Girls***

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday, April 18, 2006

TOMKAT HAS KITTEN - a girl kitten named SURI

LUKE PERRY SEEKS RESTRAINING ORDER

FERGIE AND JOSH DUHAMEL - Preggers?

SURREAL LIFE 6 - EPISODE 4

TOM CRUISE ON PRIMETIME

THE REAL WORLD - Tuesday April 11th, 2006

TOMKAT * TUNE IN ALERT *

AMERICAN IDOL: THE RESULTS – Wednesday, April 12th 2006

ANTM - Wednesday April 13, 2006

BIG BROTHER - ALL STARS *** Could this dream be a reality?

AMERICAN IDOL - Tuesday April 11, 2006

GO SEE THIS * Stick It **

TUNE IN ALERT Tiara Girls

IDOL ALERT * MANDISA HATES GAYS*

PROJECT RUNWAY UPDATE * Emmett's New Store*